Life After First Mom

10 minutes continued...

2012-01-16T00:22:00.000-08:00

So I said in a previous post that 10 minutes can change your life.

In September I had the opportunity to take a drive with Jon (birth dad) to visit his Grandparents who were the only people who supported me during my pregnancy with J. I hadn't seen Jon in a few years and he knew I hadn't seen his grandparents in almost 20 years so he went out on a limb knowing how excited both his grandparents would be as well as I to see each other.

Anyhow, the stars were aligned that night to make sure it happened and now I know why...

Let me make this perfectly clear - NOBODY ever told me this information previous to this night.
======
We got to their house and it was so good to see them! It literally felt like yesterday that I saw them last because it was so comfortable to just pick up where we left off. We had a lot of visiting to do because now it's been 20 years and I'm all grown up, married and have 3 more children. We talked and laughed and just had a wonderful time.

Jon was busy looking for a really important picture he wanted to find because it was of himself in his younger years and reminded him of a picture we have of J. Anyhow, he was in and out of the room and wasn't paying any attention to what we were talking about when the conversation turned to the "old days" and we started talking about my time with J in the hospital.

I was talking about how he was born on a Monday and we didn't leave until Wednesday, making it three precious days I had with J. Gramma says to me that they had NO idea I was there for three days and why did they get the call so late on the last day that we were there?

Well, the first day when J was born was quite traumatic for me because I'd been in labor for so long at that point and then once I was in my room I passed out...I didn't feel very well and just kind of slept the rest of that day. The next day (day 2) is when I called Jon to let him know the baby was born, but he didn't get the message until late that night and he didn't make any phone calls, he just snuck in thru the emergency room so he could come see his son. Day 3 was when Jon planned to come for a real visit because J was going to be picked up that day at 1pm. I imagine that morning is when he made calls to family letting them know J was born.

Anyhow, Gramma says well we tried to come visit you but we were too late...

I stopped and looked at her and said excuse me what are you talking about?

She then told me that they came to the hospital because they wanted to see me and the baby but when they got there the nurses told them we had just left TEN MINUTES ago.

Then Grandpa says well that's not all of the story, tell her all of it...

Gramma is telling me the next part as Jon is walking back into the room.

Gramma: we were coming to the hospital to tell you that if you didn't want to go thru with the adoption and you wanted to keep your baby that we would help you and you could even come live with us.

.......

no words can express how I felt at that point hearing that news.

I cried.
I bawled.
I had to go outside so they wouldn't see me cry hysterically.
I said I'll be right back I just need a minute.
I cried for what seemed like forever before I could go back in.

.........

1o minutes. seriously? the rest of my life would have changed if they had been there 1o minutes sooner

{pic Jon was looking for at Gramma's - him playing football #19}

{pic of Jake playing football in highschool #18}

{pic that my friend photo shopped of them together}

My Story Part 5: Labor, delivery, hosptial

2011-09-18T22:41:00.000-07:00

So I can't remember if I was a week over due or two, but either way I was so ready to be done and people kept calling me asking me if I'd had the baby yet and when they found out no they would say "so you're still pregnant"? Um hello, yes!

I had been having contractions for a full day and they weren't getting any closer. The hospital said I couldn't come in until they were at least 10 minutes apart. They told me to take a warm bath to see if that would help me feel better. Got in the bath for a hot minute and was so uncomfortable that I immediately got out still having irregular but consistent contractions. Finally around 8:00 that night I called my mom and started crying because i didn't know what else to do. I was in pain and I have zero tolerance for that.

Denise heard me on the phone and came in to tell me she had no idea I was hurting that bad and that she would just take me in. Once we got there they wanted me to do all kinds of walking to progress labor and blah, blah, blah. When the pain finally got bad enough they gave me the good drugs so I could sleep through the night and then we started everything the next morning.

Delivery was really terrible. Nobody was telling me what was going on because I guess they thought I was a stupid kid who didn't need to know. I'd had an epidural but they let it ware off when it was time to push. So at that point I was in extreme pain and started pushing. It was taking forever and the nurse kept trying to turn the baby because he was coming out sunny side up...although I didn't know that is what was happening at the time because nobody filled me in. Baby was just having a super hard time coming out and he probably got the cord wrapped around his neck from all the turning. After an hour of pushing he finally arrived and I only got to hold him for a hot minute before they swept him away to the nursery for observation since he was under fetal distress. April 6, 1992 at 11:02am Saul Nathaniel was born. I didn't see him again until much later in the day because after I was transferred to my own room I passed out on my way to the bathroom and was hemorrhaging.

The next day I felt much better and was able to get up and take a shower. I had the baby with me all day and just spent time loving him and cuddling him and talking to him. It was a sweet time for us together. We had a lot of visitors and took tons of pictures. Sometime that day I called Jon's house to let him know the baby was born, but he wasn't home so I left a message with his sister Dawn. That night Jon came to visit after hours with his best friend Mike. They snuck in and only stayed for a little while, but it was long enough for Jon to see his son, hold him and take a few pictures. He promised to come back the next day for a few hours.

{Jon holding his son for the first time 4/7/92}

The next morning was really difficult for me. They called my room at 7 am and told me I had to pack up and leave because they needed my room. I showered and then freaked out on the nurse. I was sobbing and telling her I was not leaving my baby alone in the hospital because he wasn't scheduled to be picked up until 1pm that afternoon. I told her I would sit in the lobby with him if I had to, but I was not leaving until he did.

She was extremely understanding and told me they could put me in one of the delivery rooms until it was time for us to go. Jon came back with his two best friends to visit and spend time with Saul. They left us alone for a while so it was just me, Jon and our baby boy. That was the most special time out of all three days. We just sat together holding him and watched him sleep. I don't think either one of us spoke but we cried and held our son together.

At that point if Jon had said, "nicole let's keep him and get married" I would have said ok...but he didn't. His friends came back after an hour or so and we took a ton of pictures and then Jon said his good byes to his son. That was so hard to watch. He left us and I knew I had to follow through with the plan.

{This is my absolute favorite picture of the three of us together.
Me holding precious Saul who is looking up into his Daddy's eyes. 4/8/92}

My counselor, Tawnia, came to pick up Saul at 1pm that day. She did the baby check out and evaluation with the nurses while I held my son for the last time. One of the nurses walked us out to make sure he would be put in a car seat. When she saw me hand my son to Tawnia she started to cry and said she could see he was in good hands and she couldn't watch any longer. She left us alone.

I buckled Saul into his car seat while Denise went to go get her car. Tawnia said good bye and started to drive away. At this moment it literally felt like someone was driving away with my heart. It felt like all the air was sucked out of me and I couldn't breath. I began to sob, literally and didn't stop until much later that evening. My baby boy was gone and I would never again be the same.

{Saul Nathaniel off to meet his new parents. 4/8/92}

My Story Part 4: The foster home

2011-09-08T22:37:00.000-07:00

She shipped me off in September, right after school started. It was my junior year of high school and I was sent to live in a foster home in Federal Way. Back then there was still such thing as long distance. Federal Way is not that far from where I lived in Renton, about half hour or so, but it was far enough away that I would not run into anyone from home and it was long distance to call any of my friends...which meant I couldn't call my friends.

The foster family had previously taken in ONE single pregnant girl who was 2o years old and at the end of her pregnancy. They had four small children all under the age of 8. Two boys and then two girls. I was only 8 weeks pregnant at that point so I had a long way to go.

It was awkward in the beginning but things seemed to be ok after a few weeks. I had to ride the bus to school which sucked because I had morning sickness really bad. Everyday I felt so naseus on the bus. Then in my first period class it was always so hot and I went to the nurse almost every day. This school was so much bigger than the school I had come from so it wasn't easy to get to know people. I didn't really try either because what am I going to say, "Hi, my name's nicole, my mom kicked me out because I'm pregnant and my boyfriend wants nothing to do with me or my baby". Yeah no, I kept to myself.

It didn't take long for the foster mom to hate me. I have no idea what her pregnancies were like because she wasn't pregnant when I lived there but she was always yelling at me that "being pregnant isn't about being sick, it's just about being a little bit uncomfortable for a while". That statement is ingrained in my head because she said that to me so many times. I wish I could go back to her today and tell her that with EVERY SINGLE one of my pregnancies I had really bad morning sickness all the way until 8 months or so. And in fact with my last child I LOST 27 lbs because I was so sick all I could stomach was salad and oranges. HELLO stupid foster mom, for me being pregnant does mean being sick.

Anyhow, her second son left a dead bird on my bed one day while I was gone and I was so pissed when I got home and found it...I went marching upstairs to tell the parents (everyone was at the dinner table) and they just laughed. Seriously? I cried. No they were not abusing me physically but I hated living with them.

I never liked what she made for dinner either so I asked her if I could just make macaroni and cheese or hot dogs or something so they started making fun of me at every dinner saying I was as picky of an eater as their 8 year old son, Stephen, who wouldn't eat anything she made for dinner either.

Whatever.

Foster mom told my counselor at LDSFS that she didn't have time to be driving me all over the place to appointments and stuff so she needed to make arrangements for me to get rides elsewhere. (Why did you offer to take me in again?)

So they actually gave a lady in my ward a made up calling to be my "special companion". Her calling was to drive me to appointments because foster mom couldn't be bothered. Looking back this was divine intervention from God. When they say callings are from the Lord, they really know what they're talking about.

Denise was a young mom with two small children herself. She had a five year old son and a three year old daughter. Denise was one of the oldest kids in her family so her youngest brother was a year younger than me. He came over all the time and stayed on weekends and stuff so we got to be really good friends and had a lot of late night talks.

Denise was literally my saving grace. Not only did she take me to all my appointments (doctor, group, counseling) she also drove me to work when I got a job working at the girls basketball games, but she also had me over to baby sit for her. When I couldn't stand being at the foster house I could call her and she would come get me and we would just say I was baby sitting for her but really we would just hang out!

Then the most grand of opportunities arouse. Denise's husband was going to work in Hawaii for six months and she offered to let me live with her to help with the kids and stuff while her hubby was gone. It was going to be right around my due date that her husband would be back and the timing would all work out perfectly so in January we moved most of my stuff home and I just kept the necessities and moved in with Denise.

I was never so glad to get out of that foster home! Second semester of school that year I did home school, right about the time I ended up moving in with Denise, because I couldn't fit into the desks at school anymore and I didn't want to go into labor at school and then have to return to school after I had the baby in April. This way I could finish up early and just be done for the year.

10 minutes

2011-09-08T22:34:00.001-07:00

...can change your life.

*more on this after I get a little bit more of my story written out here

Update

2011-08-23T12:10:00.001-07:00

So I took a break from the blogsphere for a few months. I took a break from posting on my blog and I took a break from reading other blogs. I was starting to feel like adoption was overwhelming my life and when it gets to that point I have to take a step back. I was preparing to attend the National Families Supporting Adoption Conference in Layton, Utah, on August 12 - 13th so I kind of had to concentrate on that because it was stressing me out. I was on the panel held on the last day which was the last session that everybody attended together so it was a little, no A LOT, intimidating.

Anyhow, I have a lot I want to post about but have to gather my thoughts. I started reading blogs again last night and discovered that letters to ms. feverfew has gone private. Melynda, if you're reading can you email me and let me know if I can have access to keep up with your story?

I also got so fired up reading a blog last night that I blasted off a fiery comment and woke up to an email in my inbox from one of the other commenters my comment was aimed towards. It seems she is seeking understanding so I am anxious to see where this communication goes. This other commenter is an adoptive mom and I would love it if we could come to an understanding because I love to pick the brain of the "other side".

stay tuned...

My Story Part 3: The Meeting

2011-07-09T19:35:00.000-07:00

I have no recollection of how my mom found out I was pregnant or how Jon's parents found out (I must have blocked it or repressed those memories), but when they did find out, a meeting was called by my mother to discuss what "I" was going to do.

Jon's mom didn't come to "the meeting", he came over with his step dad, Tony. Tony informed my mother and I that Jon would be relinquishing his rights regardless of what I decided to do with the baby and that Jon was no longer allowed to talk to me or see me. My mom informed everyone that I would be placing the baby for adoption or I would not be living in her house.

I looked at Jon dumbfounded and he looked at the floor. He never said one word the entire time. The meeting didn't last long because I told everyone that it was fine, I would just find a new place to live because I WAS KEEPING MY BABY!

Jon and Tony left and my mom told me she was sending me to a foster home to live until I had the baby. She told me she thought it was for the best and that if I planned to keep my baby not to come home.

I cried every day. I couldn't understand why, in my darkest hour, my mother would send me away. That was the beginning of me hating her for not supporting me in what I wanted to do for me and my son.

My Story Part 2: Finding Out I was Pregnant

2011-06-27T18:58:00.000-07:00

I knew I was pregnant for an entire month before I missed my period. I was sort of in denial, but after that I couldn't deny it anymore. I say I was in denial because I wasn't ready to tell anyone or deal with it quite yet thinking maybe I was just late, but I knew better.

My cousin (the popular cheerleader) was my best friend my entire life. We walked to the drugstore together with the plan to buy a pregnancy test. We didn't want anyone to look at us funny so we brought a fake diamond ring that was way too big for both of us. I had my cousin buy the test for me and since she wasn't the one pregnant she didn't mind. When she got up to the counter, trying to be inconspicuous with her big fake diamond ring, she ended up being three cents short. I was waiting an isle over so nobody would think I was with her. She yelled to me that she needed three more cents. I told her I had given her all the money I had and didn't have even three more cents. The pharmacist was an old guy who probably felt bad for us recognizing we were young buying the test and said "you can bring me the three cents tomorrow, here just take it". We were so relieved that he let us have it!

We bought the package that had two tests in it. We went back to my house and took one test together immediately. It was positive - surprise!

Jon was at work so I called him and asked him to come over after work so I could talk to him. I took the other test with him so he wouldn't think I was lying when I showed him the one I'd already taken that was positive.

He was totally freaked out at that point. I am not sure what happened between the time we talked about me getting pregnant and me actually being pregnant, but his attitude was not the same. He started avoiding me and every time I tried to talk to him about it he was freaking out about telling his parents.

He went with me to my appointment at planned parenthood where I was going to have an official test. I still remember this day clearly as it was orientation day for my junior year of high school (or whatever they call that day you go and get pictures taken, get your ASB card, buy your yearbook and all that stuff). I remember that I was 124 lbs at the appointment. I was having morning sickness and couldn't believe I was down 6 lbs because I was 130 lbs for as long as I could remember.

When the nurse came back in and told us together that I was in fact pregnant we both started to cry. Jon hugged me and told me we would figure it out. We both left there in a daze. This was real. It was sinking in that this was really happening.

Shortly after that I found out Jon had a new girlfriend. I was really angry and tried talking to him about the baby many times after I found out about Minna. I even ambushed him and his girlfriend and told her I was pregnant. (I was a little bit crazed back then =)) My friend Beth helped me with the ambush and we have great memories of that night! It was just like in the movies, hahaha.

Anyhow, Minna didn't know how she felt about the whole baby thing, but Jon promised he would be there for the baby.

That is, until our parents found out...

My Story Part 1:Love at 16

2011-06-24T01:14:00.000-07:00

When we are young it seems that our feelings are so intense. Anger is angrier, loneliness is lonlier and Love is magnified. I met Jon going to church dances with my friends. He was someone I knew of growing up around each other, but he was a year older than me so I didn't really know him. He loved dancing so a good LDS guy friend of mine started asking him to come to church dances with us.

That is how I met Jon.

My feelings for him were immediately intense. I love me a ginger and I immediately had a crush on him. He thought he could never "get" me because he held me up on one of those popular pedestals...which I always thought was funny because I was not technically popular, oh no, that would have been my cousin who was three days older than me. She was a perfect molly mormon girl who was a cheerleader with good grades that EVERYONE loved. Me, I was mediocre, but to Jon I guess I was one of the pops.

Anyhow, we had a lot of fun double dating with my good friend Lee and his girlfriend and spent a ton of time together. We started hanging out a lot over at Jon's grandma's house because neither one of us wanted to be at our own houses. We talked about what it would be like if we ran off and got married and had a cute little white house with a white picket fence...

ahhhhh to be young and in love. Looking back, I realize I never thought about this realistically at all. How would we get married when I was 16 and Jon was 17? How much money did we make a month at our jobs? How would we afford the white house with the picket fence?

Anyhow, one day we were brainstorming what it would take for our parents to let us get married? I don't remember who said it, but one of us said surely if I got pregnant and we wanted to get married then of course they would have to let us, right? (WRONG, but I'll get to that later)

Anyhow, take a deep breath because this next sentence is gonna send you for a loop and show you my immaturity. With this plan in mind, we actually started "trying" to get pregnant.

Yes, you heard that right, *I got pregnant on purpose.

I knew immediately when I was pregnant. The sad part is that Jon was starting to drift away from me at that point. It was the summer between my sophmore and junior year of high school and Jon's junior and senior year of high school. I got pregnant on July 3, 1991.

We were fighting a lot so we were hanging out less and less and by July we were only seeing each other a few times a week during the day. I heard from other friends that Jon was going out with other girls at night. I was trying to keep him so I was doing whatever he wanted. Finally, after I missed my period, I decided I should take a home pregnancy test.

{Jon & Nicole ~ April 19, 1991}

*this made for an interesting story to tell J because the very first question he asked me was "was I just a mistake or regret you didn't want to be reminded of?". When I said "no, I got pregnant on purpose" his next question was "well, if you got pregnant on purpose, that means you wanted a kid right? so if you wanted a kid, why didn't you keep me". Oh my son, if only it were that simple.

First Letter From the MTC

2011-06-21T15:56:00.000-07:00

I got the most amazing surprise in the mail yesterday! A letter from J. It seems as though every time I post that I am reading his signals loud and clear that I get some kind of communication from him to prove my judgments wrong! Haha, I'll take it rebel son.

His letter was short and sweet but to the very sensitive point. Again, he apologized for the "silly little fb thing " as we are now calling it. He said he knows he hurt my feelings and was sorry for that. He apologized for not talking to me as much as he could/should have and that he does want me to be a part of his life so he promises to try harder to make it happen.

I am happy to finally know where we stand again. It is a relief to know he still wants to have anything to do with me. I know how hard this is for me, I can not even imagine what it feels like for him.

This is a time in a young adult person's life when they are becoming more independent and pulling away from their parents so it seems a little unnatural, I think, to begin this type of relationship at this time in his life. I understand all that.

I feel like every time he makes me wait for communication that it shows me how much I need to let go and allow it to be his thing. Allow him room to breath without suffocating him. Allow him time to think things through without me constantly getting in touch with him. It seems every time he pulls back and I just let him, he finally comes back to me.

However, the time where there is nothing but silence...

IS JUST HARD

I love him and I always will. I don't think there will ever be a day that goes by where I do not wish he could be a daily part of my life with my family here...but right now, I am not sure it will ever be that way so I just have to sit back and relax. Take a deep breath and accept whatever he can give me.

I am happy he still wants to try.

{at his farewell april 2011}

2011-06-19T12:25:00.001-07:00

i've been thinking a lot about j recently and have a lot on my mind. i need to post and have a lot in the works that i want to get around to posting. i realized that i don't have my story here on my blog. i started this blog at the beginning of my journey looking for j to document this reunion journey, but i don't have any of my back story written down. i've decided that since j is going to be gone for two years and it's highly likely i will not hear from him often, or at all, that i will start posting my story from the beginning.

so next post will be about finding out i was pregnant at the age of 16...

PS - sent j a letter the second week he was in the mtc. it's been a month and two weeks since then with absolutely no response. i get that message loud and clear. he has now been in the mtc for near two months and will be leaving the mtc in the middle of july to depart to sweden. i bet his parents get to meet him at the airport and see him off, how fortunate for them.

Birthmother's Day

2011-05-09T09:54:00.000-07:00

So I wasn't quite sure how things were going to work out for me this year on Birthmother's day since my daughter had been in the hospital and I just didn't see a way to work it out with our crazy schedule Saturday. But, Ciera got released from the hospital on Friday and seemed to be feeling a bit better so I just took her with me on Saturday knowing there was a couch she could go lay down on if need be. She ended up being fine and I think a little surprised by this part of my life that she really isn't such a big part of. I mean I talk about J all the time with the kids, but she doesn't "see" me being a birthmom with other birthmoms. I was glad she was exposed to it.

{me & ciera}

Anyhow, the get together this year had a very different dynamic because my dear friend Beth, who is reunited with her daughter that was placed for adoption one month after I placed my son, was able to BRING her daughter to the brunch this year. She was telling her daughter about it and she asked if she could come and Beth immediately said YES!!! It was so surreal. I kind of felt like I was in a fog seeing her, meeting her and talking to her. It was crazy! I loved it, but after the day was over I felt like it went by so fast and I felt like I didn't get to talk to anyone or visit or say anything I wanted to say. I just kind of sat by in a daze.

{Rachel & Beth ~ most beautiful thing ever}

Anyhow, it was the first year I was truly happy on birthmother's day and didn't cry one single tear! A.MA.ZING!

{my dear friend Beth ~ we were pregnant together and our children were born a month apart}

My camera was being all kind of defective and I ended up losing all the pictures I took so near the end I tried to retake some. I didn't get many, but am glad I at least got a few.

{Rachel, Desha, Beth}

This year we had a nice program. I made the slideshow of all the birthmoms and their children. There was a beautiful song sung by Rikayla and a poem read by Heather. Then we made necklaces, which was very cool. I chose a neat design with the word leap on it. To me this signifies me letting go of my expectations which will allow me to leap towards happiness and healing no matter what I get in return from J.

{birthmom sisters, Monika, Deb & Heidi}

We also wrote notes to our children and tied them to balloons and released them. I am happy that this year I can actually write a letter to J and mail it to him and he will get to read it right now. I did however write him a note and release it with my balloon anyway.

{getting the balloons ready ~ Tara & Tawnia}

{my note to J}

{letting my balloon go}

I had a good time and I am glad I was able to go.

{I love this girl ~ not many people can understand how I feel, but she does}

He's gone for two years

2011-05-05T22:57:00.000-07:00

So J left on Wednesday for the MTC. He will be there for 10 weeks and then he will be off to Sweden. I did not talk to him before he left after we had our little fb chat about the "silly little fb thing".

Right after I finished chatting with J my 15 year old daughter woke up (she'd been sick all weekend so she stayed home from school that day, Monday) and was shaking uncontrollably complaining about back pain, stomach ache and feeling hot. I had her check her sugar, which was high at 529 and then check for keytones (keytones = bad). She had large amounts of keytones. Took her to the ER and it turns out we were in the ICU from Monday morning until this afternoon. She was just moved from ICU to the regular floor today. They are going to keep her on this floor until tomorrow or Saturday possibly. Not sure of release date yet because she needs to get her sugar regulated manually now that she is off all fluids and insulin drip.

Official diagnosis was finally that she had the flu, kidney infection and that spurred on ketoacidosis, which for a diabetic is just bad in and of itself. Well, any one of those issues is bad in and of itself. All three together apparently equals a week of hell in the hospital.

I was really looking forward to the birthmother's day brunch on Saturday, but it doesn't look like I will be able to escape either way for that. Kinda bummed, but it could be a good thing since I have mixed feelings about where I'm at with J that are super fresh. I really wish I could have skipped that whole episode on Monday and just concentrated 100% on Ciera and the issues she was having. By the time we got to the ER that day I was emotionally drained, exhausted and looked almost as bad as she did. Luckily I managed to get home Tuesday night for a shower and freshened up the outside as well as the inside with a new attitude and feelings.

I haven't really been able to do anything since Monday because Ciera has needed my constant care and attention in the hospital until tonight really. Her friend came to visit and got her out of bed for the first time all week and I was able to breathe a little easier. She hasn't been in severe pain today so I was able to go home and shower again and put on some lotion and perfume with a cute outfit this time...you wouldn't believe how depressing it is to be in the hospital and feel gross as well as look gross. It helped me to rejuvenate to get a small break and feel better.

Anyhow, all J issues are put on hold for the time being and even if we have to do it here in the hospital, I plan to spend mother's day with my precious children and let them each know how much I love them as well as how very much they mean to me. Weeks like this week remind me how lucky I am to have them and how very sad I would be to lose any one of them.

motherhood deleted

2011-05-02T09:36:00.000-07:00

Nothing says let me slap you across the face like being deleted as J's mother on fb the week before mother's day...

I know I don't deserve that title but gosh I have been listed as his mother on fb for an entire year now. I got on fb this morning after not being on all weekend and noticed something was weird with that link on my profile so I went to his profile and saw that I had been deleted.

He even added some friends of his as "sisters" on his profile..and his adoptive mother who has always been listed on fb as his mom had finally confirmed the relationship so that link is showing up now.

I am not quite sure how to take this. We had a short text convo on Friday. It started out fine and was going well. J sent me his address as he will be leaving on Wednesday to go into the MTC and then things went downhill from there. I always end up feeling like I am annoying him. I had no idea I was so annoying that he would delete me as his mother THE WEEK BEFORE MOTHER'S DAY!

Nothing says get lost louder than that.

~UPDATE~ edit

So we chatted about this later and j said his mom was freaking out and he had a lot of extended family that was commenting on it and creating drama, which he tries to avoid, so without thinking about how it would make me feel, he just deleted me as his mother. He said he meant no disrespect and that he was sorry if he offended me. He thought it was just a silly little fb thing...

2 weeks from tomorrow

2011-04-19T10:17:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe that my son will be leaving for his mission two weeks from tomorrow. I know he is busy with finals right now and then will go home for a mere few days and then he will report to the MTC on May 4th. While he is there he will learn Swedish and then he will be off to Sweden for two years. It doesn't seem real to me yet, probably because we've been so disconnected lately.

I know he is busy, I know it is nothing personal, but I still wish we could have one meaningful conversation before he leaves. It feels so final, and just leaves me feeling unsettled.

If I could have any wish, it would be to wrap my arms around him and tell him I love him before he leaves.

Post Package feedback

2011-04-15T00:30:00.000-07:00

It's kind of nice to have a third party to get details from on occasions when you are dealing with a child/young adult....

I haven't updated because I have been busy finishing up my current class for school; trying my best to get my grade up because I missed two assignments the week the class started due to being down and out with the flu. Two zeroes are killing me when I'm used to getting an A in every class.

Anyhow, I mailed J's birthday package so he would get it the day before his birthday. He sent me a text as soon as he got the mail saying he got it and thank you. I asked him if he had opened it and he said he was waiting until the next day to open it on his birthday.

I decided against sending the cowchips because I found some other fun filler things for his box and sent it all together...sweatshirt, video, confetti popper, pen/utensil set from fuego (ball point pens, but the lids were shaped like a plastic spoon, fork and knife) and a birthday tongue scraper (he told me in one of his letters that he scrapes his tongue every day and this one said happy birthday on the packaging...meant to be). I got him a nice card and wrote a letter to go in it. Kept is short and simple, not like my other novels I have written him in the past.

I had asked him via text the week before if I could call him for even a minute on his bday to get to talk to him (since that would be the first time in 19 years I had spoken to him on the actual day since he was born - meaningful for me) and he didn't seem too interested. He replied probly. So I didn't push it or bring it up again (not so meaningful for him I guess).

Anyhow, I had made plans to go out with two of my friends the next evening on a late applebees run so I wouldn't be sitting at home alone - next time I need to plan things for my ENTIRE day. You live and you learn right?

He sent me a text in the middle of the afternoon (3pm ish) saying "hey, you stole pics from fb." (current pics of him for the video) I asked if that was a problem and he said no just thought it was funny. I told him nobody else is sending me updated pics so how does he expect me to get them. No answer. End of text convo.

Later around 11pm when I was at applebees he sent me a text saying "I hate your poppers" (I sent him one in his pkg last year too) I asked why and he wrote back that he went to surprise attack his friend and it didn't work...the string pulled out of it entirely so it was essentially broken and his surprise wasn't much of a surprise at that point.

Anyhow, that was my feedback. end of story.

I haven't talked to his birth dad since a few weeks before J's birthday so I have no idea if he sent him anything or if he got to talk to him that day. I must say it was kind of a let down after all the hype I gave to that day in preparation and agonizing over the gift.

Again, I have learned I need to give with no expectations. I heard the best quote the other day that went something like this "expectations kill relationships".

That is my new motto. I need to keep reminding myself that it doesn't matter what I want or need EVER in regards to J. I'm not going to get it so I have to just keep on going forward. It is hard to keep focused on that simple fact when no other relationships in life work one way.

this too shall pass right?

In other news he got his mission call and will be serving in Sweden, Stokholm. He leaves on May 4th. As far as I know he is at school until the end of April so he leaves right after he gets done I guess. No word on when his farewell is, but I am definitely not going to bring it up since things are so touchy on the homefront with his mom. Clearly she won't want me there and I'm thinking it's going to fall on Easter Sunday anyway.

Oh well. I don't expect to talk to him before leaves because he mentioned to me in text that his schedule is jam packed until he leaves for the mission. So that means our very last phone conversation, for two whole years, will be the one where he told me (february pres day) he wasn't coming to visit and all the things his mom hated about me =)

cheerio

{most recent theft from fb}

2011

It's about that time again...

2011-03-24T22:56:00.000-07:00

So J's birthday is fast approaching and this year I hope it will be a heck of a lot less stressful than last year!!!

First of all, it's the first year I get to send a gift directly to him! Yes, last year he did get a gift from me but it was all orchestrated thru his parents. We have been in communication for an entire year now and it has flown by. This year he is away at college and I get to send his package directly to him! Yipee. I am so excited about this.

I finally decided what I am sending him. I don't care if anyone thinks it's stupid, I have gone back and forth and searched hi and low, and yesterday went to five different stores in fact, to find the perfect thing and I am just done.

So I really wanted to send him a cake because he's away at school and he probably won't get one, but I don't want to send one from a bakery I have not sampled. Then I thought of sending him a box cake mix and the can of frosting with candles and my friend informed me that birthday cake is only good when you don't have to make it yourself. SO I decided to send him my local favorite treat...a box of cowchips. They are chocolate chip cookies that are made here in Washington and they are to die for...and they ship!

If you want to sample them you can find them here http://www.cowchipcookies.com/

so so so so so good. I may just order some for me at the same time.

Anyhow, I am also going to send him a sweat shirt from WSU. My daughter thinks this is stupid because he goes to a college in Utah and "aren't you supposed to wear your own college's stuff?" What ever, I don't care. My thoughts behind this are first and foremost, he was born here. In Washington State. So I want him to have something from "where he's from". And selfishly we are big cougar fans in this house so he can represent when he sports it =)

Then for the sentimental part of my gift I am sending him a video that I made. I have it listed on youtube as unlisted so you can't view it without the link, but I am going to burn it for him and send him a physical copy. I went thru about 10 different versions of this video (with much appreciated critique from my friends) to get to this final version. So for your viewing pleasure, see below..

I am excited for his birthday and can't wait to mail his package. I hope he likes it, but if he absolutely hates it, it's the thought that counts right?

{college 2010 - 2011}

Sweet!

2011-03-20T23:44:00.000-07:00

I am trying to just go with the flow and let things happen how they will and know in my heart that J and I will meet when it is the right time. I am trying to stay positive and look on the bright side of things these days. I started keeping a gratitude journal after reading a book called "One Thousand Gifts" where the author puts out a challenge to record 1000 things you are thankful for. This is not all in one day, but keep a running list that you add to daily. The jury is still out on whether or not I can be converted to positive thinking with a grateful heart.

Anyhow something really sweet happened this last week. J had gone to get a physical and found out his blood type. When they told him and his parents what it was his parents thought it was odd because they were told a different blood type when he was adopted. So he sent me a text and asked me what blood type I was...I said B+ and he responded "me too!" It was so cute. I know as people raised by the parents who birthed us we take these things for granted, but it was neat how this time he had a question about "who he was or where he had come from" and he could immediately get answers from me because we are in communication. And then when he found out his blood type matched mine, I could tell how excited he was to belong! It made my heart happy.

Then he asked me how far away I was from a certain city...when I told him I wasn't sure he said well I googled your address and you are 8 hrs away. I said ok is that good or bad? He said he was going to be in that city for a rugby championship and was just wondering if I'd want to drive all that way to see him...my answer...HELL YEAH!

I am not sure if he was testing me to see what I would say, or if he was just excited at the possibility, but really hadn't thought it through yet, or if he decided meeting under that circumstance would be too stressful being there with his team and not sure of how much time he could devote to me at our first meeting, OR if he decided the backlash from his amom wouldn't be worth it, but he thought about it for a day and told me he just wasn't sure if he would have any free time so to please not come.

Luckily for me he only discussed this with me the day before he was going to leave so I didn't have a lot of time to get attached to the idea or to really get my hopes up. On the bright side he thought about us meeting again. He had the idea of me coming there because it was only half as far as I would have to drive if I end up going to where he is for us to meet. I am just excited that he's still thinking about it after all he went through with his mom. It hasn't put a damper on how he feels and I love that. I had a really hard time after getting my hopes crushed by his mom and was really struggling there for a little while, but I feel like I have gotten through that downward spiral and am ok now.

I look back at the posts I made during that struggle and I literally can feel it again in the pit of my stomach and my heart, how I was feeling that is. As ugly as those feelings are I am glad I wrote it down this time because I think it helps. I think it helps me to heal more each day to embrace it and try to learn something from it that can help me fix myself.

I got in touch with J on Friday night to ask how the first game went and to see when his team would be playing the next day. He told me they lost their first game and he got hurt really bad. He said he couldn't move his shoulder and was in a ton of pain. Luckily he talked to his adad who told him to go to the hospital. He has an AC separated shoulder with a torn ligament. Pretty much nothing they can do about it aside from him icing it to try to get the swelling to go down and keep it imobile in a sling so it can heal. Crappy! So he told me all this the next day when I got in touch with him to check up on him and see how he was feeling. He said they won their game that morning and he was so annoyed he couldn't play.

I hope he heals ok and that his shoulder won't be messed up for life.
I am happy he was open to our communication all weekend long.
I am encouraged about the future knowing he still wants to meet me.

{probably looked something like this when he got hurt}

Greatest Quote EVER

2011-03-15T11:58:00.000-07:00

I was cruising blogs the other day and came across the most perfect gem. I cut and pasted it from the comments section of a post I read because I never wanted to forget these words, but I just realized I didn't also paste a link to the original post or blog so hopefully this is not too bad of an internet faux pas.

This woman whose blog I was snooping was writing about how she hadn't had recent communication with her adoptive couple and felt really impressed to write to them and ask them for a recent picture of her daughter. I think it had been five years...not sure why they stopped communicating, but this was obviously going to be very hard for her to ask for because she was clearly fearing rejection.

Then stumbled across, quite possibly in my opinion, the best thing I have ever read on the internet.

Michael and Teresa Hardy Want to Adopt a Baby said...

How anyone could deprive you of something as simple as a photo of your child is hard to comprehend. I wish I could tell all adoptive parents to never forget the woman who gave you the greatest gift anyone could ever give and to always honor her and understand that she loves her child too. My sincerest hope is they will realize how important you are to their happiness and that they can, with a simple act, add to yours.

(emphasis added by me to my favorite part.)

{halloween 2010 - love those baby blues}

Giving back

2011-03-05T00:05:00.000-08:00

First of all, I have to say thank you to all who have commented in my time of need. Your comments literally got me through those few dark days where I did nothing but cry for the loss of my son all over again. It was difficult and I have found some peace and am now trying to move forward. Move on? No. But continue on with life. I do have three other children and it is certainly not fair to them for their mother to be in bed all day sobbing not able to take care of them or listen to how their day was or to even hug them.

Second, I feel like I need to post my reaction to all that happened with J. I pretty much just posted what happened and then my feelings. I skipped my reaction to him.

So I told him that I want him to have his family's support in coming here. I told him I can wait as long as I need to. I told him I want things to be right for him and that I will support him in what ever he does. I told him I thought he was smart to take his mother's feelings into consideration and not go against what his parents recommended (meeting me after his mission).

He told me for the record that he didn't feel like I had done anything wrong and that he still wanted to continue on in our relationship as we are except of course, our meeting for now would be put on hold. I told him I hoped he could work things out with his mom and that I only ever wanted what was best for him and that I was so sorry to be the source of any contention in his life. I assured him I never want to come between him and his mother and that I want things to be good between them. I told him I didn't want to do anything to upset his mom either.

We talked about me and birth dad possibly going there. He hadn't even thought about that previously and thought it would be completely different and that we could probably work something out about meeting. He said he would love for me and birth dad to come support him at his farewell. I told him I was going to pray and fast about it to know if it was the right thing to do or not. He told me during his spring break he was going to discuss it with his parents.

Now in all reality I do not think it is going to matter to his mom where this meeting takes place. I think she doesn't want him to meet me period and the place will not matter. I could be wrong, but I guess we will find out next week one way or the other and this stressful situation could be over for at least the next two years.

J and I have not had much interaction since we chatted about me going there. I know he needs space and needs to collect his thoughts and get over his anger towards his mom. Also, I am sure he feels a lot like I do that he can't really move on past the "meeting" thing until he has his answer about whether or not his mom would allow birth dad and I to meet him there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today I had the best experience. It could not have come at a better time. I had volunteered to be on a birth mom panel at the agency during a day of education for adoptive couples. This was a few months ago that I volunteered to do this and had no idea all that just went down would have transpired so close to this experience.

I told a readers digest version of my story and a little about where we stand right now and then answered questions from adoptive parents. I felt like it went really well and a few different couples and individuals came up to me after wards to talk to me.

The neatest thing to me was that there were multiple men and women who validated my feelings and said they just couldn't understand why J's mom was reacting this way towards him meeting me. Things are different now in the adoption world and all these couples know is openness. Except for one. They have adopted five children and their two oldest children had closed adoptions. They opened each one of them when each of their children were six years old. They now have contact with all five birth mothers. WOW.

They were an amazing couple. They came up and talked to me and the dad said something so profound I had to write it down so I never ever forget it. He was talking about how he feels the old way of secrecy really doesn't help anyone in the adoption triad. It only hurts. By the adoptive mom not knowing me she is hurting. By my son all these years not knowing about me he was hurting. And obviously me not knowing about my son for 16 years only caused me pain and suffering.

Then he said, "in our experience, the mothers who place their children for adoption are the normal ones who only want what is best for their children. The crazy ones who are selfish and unbalanced are the ones who keep their children because they can't see past doing what is right for themselves". (this was his opinion and experience, not mine. I in no way think that keeping your child makes you crazy, but I took comfort in him pointing out that he does not think birth mothers are crazy.) Then his wife said "you did what you knew was right for your son even though you knew it was going to hurt you in the process because you knew you could do something hard if it was for the love of your son". She proceeded to tell me that in loving her children and taking care of their needs it isn't about her. If her daughter expresses sadness in not understanding why she can't live with her birth mom it isn't about her. Is that hard to hear? Yes, but she can do hard things because she loves her daughter and wants to help her process these feelings she is experiencing in relation to her birth mom and birth sibling.

I am telling you, this couple was A.MA.ZING! Why can't I have an adoptive mom like that? Why can't they all be like that? She even said that she doesn't consider mother's day to be her day because she wants to make sure all of her children's birth mothers are taken care of. Now holy cow, I definitely feel that title has to be earned and that I do NOT expect anything from J or his mom on mothers day, but if he were to acknowledge me it would make me feel good. I do however think that day IS about the mother who raises the child.

THEN, this other adoptive mom came to talk to me because their son is just five weeks old and she wants more openness with the birth mother and couldn't understand why the birth mother wouldn't want to come over and see the baby and have dinner at their house and wanted suggestions on how to deal with this. CRAZY! Where were all these adoptive moms craving openness when I went through there? Well, it is a different time. Adoption is different.

I tried to explain to that a mom how different all birth mothers are. That some may be able to handle seeing the baby and some may not. That may be temporary with this birth mom as she tries to get back into some sort of normalcy in her life after going through such a great loss, or she might feel this way for quite some time. There is no way to know, but I suggested a different way to approach it might be to let the birth mother know the invitation is always open when she is ready so that she is not constantly inviting her over and feeling sad that the birth mom keeps turning them down. Either way, it was so neat to talk to her and hear how she wanted and even craved more of a relationship with her sons birth mom. Her husband thanked me for telling my story and said even though it is a hard situation that he really appreciated hearing about it so he could be mindful of their birth mom's feelings.

I just feel like every time I can tell my story, or help other adoptive parents to understand that we are normal, we aren't crazy crack whores or stalkers, that I have given back. I feel that it helps me to heal just a little bit more each time I can talk about it. Each time I see the light go on for a potential adoptive parent when I say "I have thought about my son every day for the last 19 years, but he is still her son. I don't want to step in and take that away, I only want to know him and what is so scary about that? This is where he came from. It's part of him. It's part of him coming to terms with who he is. His right by human nature." I feel like I have done my part for another birth mother. I feel like I have helped to pave the way for her to have a better relationship with those adoptive parents and her child. I feel like I am giving back. And it feels good.

{his latest project - dreds for six weeks - he has since shaved his head}

2011-02-28T06:22:00.000-08:00

i feel torn apart

used up and thrown away
like my heart is broken and bleeding
i'm broken
tired
i've cried all the tears in my body
i'm worthless
devastated
so much sorrow
how can she feel this way towards me when i gave her my son
she has my child
the one i wanted
the one i loved so very much
the one i miss EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
the one i cried for at night
the one i have waited to see again someday
the one i was supposed to see in just six short days
i was finally going to get to see him with my own eyes
hug him
and tell him how much i have always loved him
i held on to this hope for the last 19 years
that is all that got me through
i feel ruined
she ruined me
why does it effect me like this
i didn't think my heart could break any more
i didn't think i could ever be as sad as the day i watched him be driven away
i wish i could have known how horrible i would feel for the rest of my life without him
how do i even go on
how do i keep loving him only to be knocked down again and again
i don't think i can do this anymore

{giving my baby away 4.8.92 @ 1pm}

why didn't anyone offer to help me
why didn't anyone support me
why didn't anyone tell me how much it would hurt for the rest of ever
why didn't anyone tell me i would never be whole again
why didn't i make a different decision

he was mine...and i gave him away

Don't count your chickens before they hatch...

2011-02-22T08:52:00.000-08:00

Got some very bad news yesterday. J called to tell me that he went home for the weekend to finalize plans with his parents for coming here.

Instead he was ambushed.

His mom told him in not so many words that she doesn't like me and she does not want him to meet me. She said I went about things all wrong. She is mad that I contacted them before he was 18. She said she hated the fact that I tracked them down...because our adoption was closed. She said I used my daughters diabetes as an excuse to get in touch with them. She said by warning them about the signs of diabetes and giving them that health information for their son what I was really saying was I doubted they could take care of their own child and that I was undermining her as a parent. She did not appreciate or like that and thinks we should not be in contact. She feels it is too soon for J to be meeting me and that he should be more focused on school.

In actuality, I obtained their information in the year 2001. I did not come up with an excuse to contact them, but it was nice to know what my son's name was and what his parents names were as well as where they were living at the time. It helped me to heal a little bit.

When my oldest daughter was diagnosed with diabetes at the age of 12, that was in the year 2008. If I truly wanted to contact them for no other reason than to make my presence known, why would I sit on their information and do nothing for SEVEN years? When I did send that very first email about Ciera's diabetes, I did not even expect a response. I said nothing of communicating on a regular basis...just that I as a parent to another parent wanted them to have their sons updated medical history where my dad died in 2004 of complications due to diabetes, one of my direct siblings had been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes as well as my own child - J's sibling. The doctor told me any siblings have a 50% chance of getting diabetes as well. That scared me. As a mother if someone could have prevented the hell we experienced for three months not knowing what was wrong with our daughter by just telling us what symptoms to look for I would be eternally grateful! The thought would not even come into my mind that they were trying to say I was an unfit parent to take care of my own child.

For all these years I thought when the day came that he turned 18 and I could contact him (which is what I respectfully did even though I was in contact with his parents for two years before that time) that we would all form a loving relationship as people who love and support J. I guess I really missed the mark on that one. J often reminds me that things don't always turn out the way we planned.......

I just never in a million years would have ever thought that the woman I shared the most precious thing on earth with would turn her back on me.

{Saying Good bye to my baby 4.8.92}

I loved him before she ever laid eyes on him.
I chose her.
I trusted her to love him and take care of him.
I expected that she would always do what was right
for HIM and put his needs first just like I did.

when did what's best for the child become what is best for the mother of that child?

He's Coming!!!

2011-02-06T22:43:00.000-08:00

So for a few months now J has told me when we talk on the phone that he's thinking of coming out here when school gets out in April. Exciting uh? Well, a few weeks ago he told me he was thinking of coming out on his spring break instead...I was like ok cool, when is that? He says the week of March 7th. Holy heck, WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Good thing we were IMing or he might have heard me freaking out over here! That is so soon! So I had to call an impromptu get together with my two friends who try to keep me sane when it comes to J. They told me not to get excited because teenagers say things all the time thinking they will do it and then just don't follow thru. Well that sort of just crushed all my excitement. All along when he has said this to me I've had a feeling it is really going to happen because this is all him. I never suggested it or asked him to come out here AND he brings it up EVERY time we talk on the phone and has IMed me about it wanting to firm up plans of where he could stay.

Anyhow, it all leans toward him really intending to come. Call me niave, but that is how I feel. So today he sent me a cute text message saying "don't make any krazy vacation plans the week of March 7th". I got excited all over again; that is only ONE MONTH AWAY! We chatted about it for a bit and I asked him a few questions about how he wanted things to go when he got here...he's not just coming to meet me, he wants to meet his birth father as well. I imagine he will split the time that he is here between us. He plans to stay for the week. He's not sure where he's going to stay yet, but his birth father and I both offered for him to stay with us and I have a brother and a friend who also volunteered to put him up.

He told his dad today...BIG step. I actually didn't think he would tell his parents this far out from the trip. His dad supported him and told him they had friends out here he could stay with if he didn't want to stay with me or jon. I personally hope he stays with his parents' friends because it will take the pressure off of him thinking he has to be around us constantly and give him a place to decompress and gather his feelings together. Plus after he meets me and my crazy family, he might just want to get the heck outta here!

I am really nervous about how things will go. I am the most nervous I think about him not liking me. Over the last year I have come to know that he likes things easy breezy. He does not plan ahead and just takes things as they come. That is not me, and I am scared it will be overwhelming to him. Plus I worry about the little things like will I know what to talk to him about, will there be awkward silence, what will he want to do, will he think it's weird if I want to hug him as soon as I see him, will I cry and freak him out, will it bug him that I can't devote 24/7 to him while he's here (because I still have to do all the normal things like take my kids to school, do my homework and work)? I'm just afraid I won't know the answers to any of these questions and it freaks me out!

I have to say I am VERY excited at the prospect of being able to take my own pictures of him and getting pictures of him with his birth dad so he can see how much they look alike. I mean I know he realizes he looks like him, but I think they will look like twins once they are next to each other! I wonder how much J will hate how many pictures I will want to take? haha I think it's fair to say I am a picture fanatic. Kinda sad that my oldest daughter lost our nice camera. I am going to have to come up with something before then because I can't have a mediocre camera for this once in a life time event!!!

I am trying not to think about it or let it consume me because then I wouldn't get anything done for the next month and be in bad shape by the time that day rolls around. I am trying to stay calm, focus on the positive and just be who I am. We shall see how long I can keep this up; this week I am going to start decluttering my house room by room. I already did the kitchen so on to the next...

{last week of senior year 2010}

Happy Birthday to me...

2011-01-30T23:38:00.000-08:00

NOT!

Birthdays for the last few years have not been fun for me. I do not enjoy getting older. Also, as a mother, it doesn't seem like too much to ask to have ONE day a year for my family to celebrate me? Or is it? Well, in years past I have been disappointed by the lack of celebrating that has gone on so this year I decided to be specific with my requests and let go of all expectations that I had...

except for one hope that I held on to for dear life.

My youngest daughter's birthday is in July so she never gets to celebrate at school which makes her sad. This year she came up with the idea of celebrating with her class on her half birthday which was on January 27th. For my other children I have brought them the lunch of their choice to school on their birthday to make them feel special. So of course Clare wanted me to do that for her too and bring in treats for her class. Since I was going to be gone all day that day I told her I could drop off treats in the morning on my way out and that I would bring her lunch the next day, Friday, on my birthday so we could celebrate our birthdays together. She was excited for me to bring us both lunch and for me to stay there with her and eat together.

She talked about it all the way to school and when I dropped her off I told her I would see her at lunch time!

I went home and got self consumed with my one hope and wish for my birthday.

Like I said before, I have struggled with finding balance in my "reunion". It is hard for me not to be as involved with J as I would like to be so I have to distance myself in order to function on a daily basis. I started thinking about all that had gone on recently and wondering if I had done the right things or if I had said the right things or had I stuck my foot in my mouth or made him upset or annoyed...anyhow, this went on for a while and I just felt sorry for myself and got consumed.

So I'm sure you can see where this is going and yes, I am the worst mother on the planet!

I forgot to bring my daughter her special birthday lunch and I didn't even remember that I had forgotten until 15 minutes before school was going to get out. So not only did she not get her special lunch with me, but she also didn't even have anything to eat! I felt horrible! I cried and cried and called my husband because I wasn't even going to be there when she got home to make it up to her.

My husband had give me a gift certificate for a massage for Christmas. I had saved it and scheduled my apt for my birthday in case I was sad about not getting my secret wish or any attention from my family! I sound vain don't I? My friends tell me I'm a martyr.

So my husband promised me he would feed her and make sure she knew how sorry I was and to please go enjoy the massage and we could talk after wards. I did enjoy the hot stone massage very much..I tried to just clear my mind of everything. Each time my mind started wandering back to the lunch issue or J I would start to cry and did not want to bawl my eyes out on the table so I would again just clear my mind of everything!

The day was pretty much a bust because I could not shake the guilt I was consumed with.

The only thing I really wanted for my birthday was a simple text or even message on my fb wall from J saying happy birthday..anything letting me know he remembered, thought about it or was acknowledging me on my "special" day.

Didn't happen.

In April it will be one year that we've been in communication. This is my first birthday being in communication with him. Are my expectations too high?

Happy birthday to me..

{me ~ 3 years old}

{J playing Rugby for college}

Birth Mom Retreat ~ September 2010

2011-01-25T17:22:00.000-08:00

{Zion's Camp September 2010}

This is quite late to be updating about the retreat, but I want to document what a great time I had. This year Heidi was able to go so we rode up together since we're both in Puyallup. We had the best time talking on the way...it made the time go so much faster and I learned so much more about her story. It was nice to have company on the drive.

{Tawnia telling us what she wants the quilt to be}

The first night there was pretty much just a hang out and get to know each other kind of night because there were new girls there this year. Tawnia had put together a quilt she wanted us to each sign with our names as well as our birth children's name. So we sat around the table and did that and each took a turn going around the table to tell our story. The old timers know how long this can take so when Heidi started she told her shortened version and then as we progressed around the table the stories got longer and longer because each time someone was telling their story it reminded Olivia of a story from her crazy life!!! It took like 3 hours and Beth and I opted not to tell our stories because we were so tired and it was almost comical each time Olivia chimed in. Love her to death and hadn't seen her in 18 years, but man I forgot how much that girl loves to talk!!!

{chatting, signing, eating}

This was the first time Beth, Olivia and I were together since we were all pregnant together in group 18 years ago. That was a crazy reunion! In the second picture we are all cracking up because Desha told us to grab each others boobs ~ I was like..."Uh I don't think so, we can hug instead" and Beth and Olivia were just dying laughing at me since I'm such a prude, they tease me about that all the time! Kind of an oxymoron, a birth mother that's a prude. Anyhow...

{Beth, Olivia , Nicole together again}

{Uh NO Desha we will not grab anyone's boobs ~
so Desha grabbed mine right before she took this photo...thanks for that!}

{We opted for group hug instead of boob grabbing}

We had a great night staying up late chatting and just having fun being together. I finally conked out some time around midnight (I think) which is early for me but I was exhausted from all the sharing...

{Beth said my tattoo was hanging out in the back and she almost took a pic of that instead of this one...I have to admit that might have made a better picture!}

The next day we kind of took our time getting up and milling around. Since everyone was just kind of doing their own thing I took the time to connect with Desha and run my current situation by her and seek some guidance and direction on what to do because I was feeling so lost. I had a plan in my mind for all these years of how this "reunion thing" would go and it wasn't turning out how I thought it would AT ALL. She helped me come to some brilliant realizations. I needed a different outlook along with a new attitude. I was no longer allowed to expect anything. All the ideas I had in my mind of how it might be were tossed aside because...I had placed J for adoption so he could have the best life possible. In 18 years that objective has not changed. I want the best for him and the day I placed him with his new parents was the day I gave up the right to ask anything of him. From here on out I needed to look at us as acquaintances getting to know one another like two new friends would. So each time I wanted to write him a long winded letter or send him a package at school I asked myself, would I do this with a new friend. If the answer was no, I wasn't allowed to do it with J.

The other thing I had to change viewpoint on was thinking like a mother when it comes to him. He has a mother and that is not me. I can be his friend, but I will never be his mother. I also needed to think of him more as a teenager than an adult. He is just 18 and behaves much like my other teenage children, not like an adult who has lived life and has experience to know how they want things to go in a difficult situation like this one. He is learning and I am along for the ride. This has helped me a lot. Changing perspective. Someday I hope that I will have a good, strong relationship with him, but today is not that day.

{me and Olivia ~ eating lunch}

After we finished our talk and some time after lunch we all went down to the dock to just talk for a while. I brought my "reunion" journal with me because I thought I might have some peace and quiet to write while we were down next to the water, but that didn't last long. I really couldn't concentrate with the conversations that were going on around me.

{this was the scene when I got down there}

Last year we had a great time on the paddle boats because it was REALLY hot and Beth and I started the trend of jumping in fully clothed. This year it wasn't really hot enough to even go in the water so just a few of us went in the boats. The rest of us just sat on the dock chatting...which always leads to one topic when a bunch of birth mothers are gathered together. Let's just say the gals decided to educate me on a few things this year. I guess it was quite entertaining to some of the veterans there.{trying diligently to document my feelings}

{Tawnia, our resident psycho, er I mean counselor}

{Debbie, Kaysia, Amy}
{me, Heahter, Beth}

{I have no idea what Beth is doing here!}

{looking at the pics we took on my camera}

{the girls educating me ~ I was a little grossed out}

That night we had a few different organized activities. First we wrote down all our burdens on a piece of muslin. Everything that we could think of that was dragging us down or making us sad or anything that felt too heavy to carry alone. It could be anything you want, not just adoption related. After we were done writing we made a bonfire and burned all of our burdens. It was kind of cool because the ashes started to float up into the sky and as we looked up to follow where the ashes were drifting we saw something in the sky. We couldn't really make out what it was because of the light of the fire so when we stepped away and just looked up into the darkness of the night we realized it was a bunch of little mini hot air balloons. I have no idea where they came from, who let them go or why, but it was SO cool! It was like they were each there to carry away all of our burdens. The symbolism was just awesome!

After we finished that we did our yearly mendala drawings. This is where you draw a circle and then inside of it you draw whatever you want...it's supposed to symbolize what is going on in your life at that moment. It's up for interpretation. It can be as detailed or as simple as you want it to be. I honestly could not think of what I wanted to draw this year so I just started sort of doodling. Turns out this is where I had my breakthrough with my counselor. She started trying to help me interpret what my drawing was about and somehow we got into a counseling session (in front of everyone) like I have never had before. She just kept going back in my life until she got to the root of my problem. She started by asking me about the issue on the surface and then that led to something deeper and deeper until we got to the root...my mom. Well, not my mom specifically, but the way she treated me as a very young child and during the year I was pregnant with J. I have never really been able to forgive her for first making me the "mother" of the house at the age of 8 and then abandoning me when I was pregnant with J by shipping me off to a foster home that was horrible. She told me I couldn't come home if I kept my baby and then sent me away...

I left adamant that I would keep my baby because I couldn't imagine being without him. As time went on and I was left all alone to make this choice by myself I came to the conclusion that there was no way I was going to be able to raise a child on welfare with no support from anyone. The birth father's parents wouldn't let him even talk to me so I really had no support at all. I didn't want a child of mine to have to grow up the way I did so I decided to place him for adoption. When my mother came to the hospital the second day after J was born she held him and took pictures with him and then she put him back in my arms and said exactly this: "I will understand if you want to keep him. You can come bring him home if you want."

WHO DOES THAT TO A 17 YEAR OLD CHILD WHO HAS MADE THE HARDEST DECISION ON THE PLANET? TO A CHILD WITH CRAZY RAGING POST LABOR HORMONES THAT HAS MADE A COMPLETE ADOPTION PLAN AND FOR MONTHS WILLED HERSELF TO DO NOTHING BUT FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THE HARDEST DECISION SHE WILL EVER MAKE IN HER LIFE?

I sat there and cried with my son in my arms feeling like the worst mother in the world because if I was thinking of only me I would bring him home..what did that make me since my mom told me I could bring him home, but I knew I couldn't...for him.?

I have never been able to forgive her for putting me in that position. That was honestly the worst moment of my entire life and I am 36 years old.

Anyhow, the session I was having with Tawnia got down to that and she tried to help me get rid of some of that...at first I couldn't even let it out because I had been holding it in for so long, then the tears started flowing and they just didn't stop. I had to just go to bed after that because I couldn't really talk to anyone and I was kind of an emotional wreck. I hadn't expected that to happen, but was grateful to be on my way to more healing.

The next day was our last morning together. We had to pack up and leave by afternoon so we all got our stuff together and then did one last activity together. We all wrote down on a piece of paper what adoption meant to us and then put it in a balloon and blew the balloons up. We threw the balloons onto the floor and popped them and each of us chose someone else’s paper to read aloud. The mood was somber as we shared what adoption meant to us with each of our fellow birth mothers. For me it was a feeling of sadness to have missed so much of my son's life, but also hope that he would be happy and have what he wants out of life and that I might get to take part in some of that in the future.

{writing down our feelings about adoption ~ what it means to us}

{my balloon with my paper in it}

{all of our balloons ready to be popped}

{popping balloons}

{reading thoughts on adoption}

{my paper}

{Our parting shot before we headed out - Beth, Olivia & Amy had just left}

After that we all left and headed home. It was a great experience and one that I am so happy to have participated in again for the second year. I can't wait to go again next year! I love these women.

letting go...

2011-01-24T01:43:00.000-08:00

i haven't kept my blog up to date as of late because i've been going through a difficult transition.

it's called letting go...

i went to the birth mom retreat and had some great healing time while being out there in the wilderness. i had a mini session with my counselor and talked to one of the other birth moms about my situation and how things were progressing and how much i was struggling with how it was vs how i always thought it would be.

what i got out of that trip was the new found knowledge that what i want doesn't matter. what i thought would happen doesn't matter either. what does matter is what j wants. all along i told him i wanted this to be what he wanted...but what i meant is that he could have it the way he wanted as long as it fit into what i wanted too...bad huh...

it took me a really long time to adjust my thinking and feelings but that is what i had to do. i cared about j so much that it was killing me not to be building the relationship how i wanted it to progress. i had to put all those feelings away and lock them up tight. i still have them, but they are deep in my heart now, right next to the hole that he left the day he was driven away to his new parents. the feelings sneak out from time to time, but i try my best to keep them locked up tight. they don't matter anymore.

i am starting from scratch. the only way for me to get through this is to "not care". i am a stranger, i am not his mother. he calls me when he feels like it and every now and then i send him a text message just to say hi. that's where we're at and that's fine because it's what he wants.

it's hard to write about all that is going on inside me because sometimes i feel like it will sound so depressing, like it's all such a downer and who wants to listen to me whine or unleash all my crazy on them, but here i am and this is real. this is what i am so take it or leave it..

I need some feedback please!

2010-10-11T12:19:00.000-07:00

I just realized how long it has been since I updated my blog, sad. I am still going to write about the retreat which was so fabulous, but basically this last month I have been doing a lot of learning and growing. It's hard to write when you are in the middle of a growth spurt, well at least I think so.

Anyhow, I am going to be teaching a class in two weeks for birth mothers on being the optimal birth parent. Ha, I know right?! I am not sure they picked the right person to teach this class either. Anyhow, I would really love to get some feedback about what that means in your situation.

If you are an adoptee, what do you want from your birth mother? What would your relationship be like if it was "perfect"? What things would you rather your birth mother not do or not talk about? If things haven't gone the way you wished they would have, how would you change it if you could start over or go back and do it again?

If you are a birth mother, what things has your birth child asked of you? What have they told you they want from you? Do they know how they want your relationship to be? What do they expect from you?

If you are an adoptive parent what do you want for your child from their birth mother? What does an optimal birth mother look like to you? What things do you wish your child's birth mother would or would not do?

Any and all feedback would be much appreciated. I feel a little inadequate to teach others on this topic, but I think getting other opinions might help.

{april 7, 1992}

Text Chat

2010-09-09T23:26:00.000-07:00

The other day I sent a text to J and asked if he had time to chat for a little bit. He did and we proceeded to have a really great little chat.

I love talking to him and hearing how things are going for him out at school. We didn't talk about that too much though because I was wondering how things were with his mom. He told me when we spoke on the phone that his mom was having a really hard time with him communicating with me. He said she felt like she was going to be replaced and it was really making things difficult for him. I asked him if he thought there was anything I could do to make that better for him? He felt like she was just going to have to see over time that I was not going to be taking her place or even trying to step in as his mother. That is not my intention, which I told him in the very first letter I wrote to him, but his parents have never heard me say that because he didn't let them read my letters to him.

I offered to write his parents a letter because I was already thinking about it since I haven't been in contact with them since J's birthday. I didn't want to write them a letter without J's permission though in case that would upset him or make him feel like I was going behind his back and what not. He said he didn't mind at all and gave me his blessing. I wrote the letter and mailed it last week.

I told them I hadn't ever formally thanked them for taking my infant into their arms and their home and loving him like their own. I said thank you for raising him to know about God and thank you for raising him to know about me. I thanked them for responding to me when I first contacted them and for showing me compassion in sending pictures and telling me about J's life. I wanted them to know how grateful and thankful I am that they allowed me to contact him on his 18th birthday and that they were ok with letting us communicate (even though it's obviously been hard for his mom). I also told them I don't intend to step in as his mother because he already has one who has been there for him every day of his life and I am thankful for that. I also said that I know I will never be involved in his life in the capacity that they are and that all I can hope for is that we can someday form a close relationship as friends. I told them that I hope they will contact me in the future if they feel so inclined because I would love for us to become closer.

I have no idea what they thought of the letter or how it was received so I asked J when I texted him if his mom had said anything to him. He had just gone home for Labor Day weekend so he said she didn't say anything to him, but he saw that opened letter at their house. I guess it's a good sign if she didn't blow up at him and tell him she was angry about it right?

Anyhow, J told me he has talked to Jon (birth father) on the phone the last two Sundays. I already knew this because Jon called and told me which sent me into quite a tailspin for about a week. It made me quite sad that I (felt I) couldn't call J every week since he told me previously that I was too overbearing. That simple fact makes me question every single thing I want to do in regards to communicating with him. It is quite debilitating. So I was pretty depressed and sad to find out that Jon was talking to him every Sunday. I have been trying to leave the communication up to J and it made me sad that he wouldn't want to talk to me every week too.

With the help of some REALLY great friends I was finally able to get over that a little, atleast to the point where I could function daily again, and try to concentrate on the positives between me and J. So when I was having this great text chat with him this last week and he told me about talking to Jon each Sunday it made me happy that he would bring this up and confide it in me. I asked him what he thought about talking to Jon and how he viewed him or felt about him so far.

He was pretty much blown away by the mere fact that he was getting to talk to his bio dad. Blown away. He feels like they are a lot alike in so many ways and that's pretty crazy to recognize. He's loving it. That made me really happy for him. I want him to be happy and get out of this what he wants. He did say that he thinks Jon is "pretty chill". (Jon told me he NEVER brings up anything serious or heavy and that they just chit chat about whatever.) I took this to mean two things: 1) he likes how laid back Jon is and 2) I so am not chill.

After he was done telling me how he felt about talking to Jon, I asked him when he thought we could talk on the phone again? He told me Sundays are really the best day so I asked him to let me know when a good time was for him and I'd call him then. He said ok...so we shall see.

All in all I felt so good about the chat. For once I didn't feel like I put my foot in my mouth or said something totally wrong. I felt like I kept it light and he opened up to me. It was good. I felt good the rest of the day.

This weekend, tomorrow, I am going to the Birth Mom Retreat like I did last year. This will be my second year going and I am so excited! I love and miss these women and can't wait to stay up all night talking and laughing and maybe crying! I will for sure post about it when I get back...and hopefully I will have another phone call to post about after Sunday too =)

{senior picture 2010}

Back to School

2010-09-03T12:22:00.001-07:00

It's that time of year. J just started his first year in college last week and my kids just went back to school yesterday. I start classes again next week working toward my BS and then hopefully onto my masters. I really love this time of year. For J there have been some major changes moving out on his own for the first time. I am dying to hear more since he's had a chance to settle in...I want to ask him what he thinks after meeting all of his roommates, has he met any cute girls, how he likes his classes and what things he's gotten involved in. It was so wonderful to finally get the chance to talk to him on the phone. This weekend will be two weeks since we talked. Is it bad that I want to talk to him again already? I really just can't stop thinking about it. I guess this is why he told me I need to chill...

{how seriously cute was he ~ 6 years old}

He Called Me, Like on the phone

2010-08-31T13:41:00.000-07:00

When it rains it pours huh?! I had nothing to write about most of the summer so I got used to not posting. I wish I would have written a post last week after talking to J so I could remember how truly happy I was to have the opportunity. There is nothing else like hearing his voice for the first time and hearing him say that an experience he had made him want to go home and call me.

A week ago last Sunday J called me on the phone. I could not believe he actually wanted to talk to me. After not hearing from him all summer I really didn’t know how he would reach out the next time or even if he would. He had an experience that really affected him. He waited until the day he moved out of his parents’ house and moved away to college. He sent me a message asking if he could call me that day after he was done moving. Of course I said yes and promptly sent him my number.

When he called me I went outside where I was alone. I didn’t feel super nervous like I thought I would or awkward. We kept trying to talk at the same time which was funny, but it wasn’t awkward. We just started talking. The call was mostly so he could explain to me what happened last week. He went with his friend to meet her dad for the first time and he said it was really amazing to witness that and watch them together and to think that he wanted that for himself as well. He couldn’t talk long but asked if he could call me the next day when he would have more time to talk. Of course I said yes again.

When we talked the next night things were a little easier. It was so weird to talk about old things, about how I found him and ask him questions about things I had assumed for so many years…like, are all three of your siblings adopted? The answer was no, he is the only adopted child in their family. After his parents got him his mother was miraculously able to have 3 children. WOW!

I didn’t want our call to end because it was like music to my ears listening to him talk and laugh and make silly jokes and just be. He did eventually have to go, but I swear it was the most surreal experience I have ever had. I don’t think anything will top that besides actually meeting him face to face. The best way to describe how I felt after talking to him was like I was high.

I don’t know when I will talk to him on the phone again, but I can’t wait to have the opportunity. He just moved out to school so he is busy meeting his roommates and other new people and getting adjusted to being away from home and so many other things so I am not going to bug him by intruding and calling him.

One of the things he wanted to talk to me about (when he had more time during the second conversation) was about this summer and why he quit talking to me. He said it was really hard for him, he worried about not telling me what was up, but he felt like it would be mean to tell me how he felt. He said he felt like I was really over bearing...even though I was saying I wanted it to be how he wanted it, he felt like I was trying to make it what I wanted...that it started bugging him when I started putting pressure on him to write me back and also when I started sending him more and more messages on fb since he wasn't writing anymore. He said he just got overwhelmed and wanted to take a step back. The only way he knew to do that was to just quit responding to me at all.

I thanked him for being honest with me and let him know that it was nice to know why so I didn't have to guess anymore. I also told him that I pretty much figured that out but again was nice to hear from him how he felt. I asked him to please tell me in the future how he was feeling because if I don't know what I'm doing wrong I can't fix it. He apologized for not telling me sooner and told me he would try to let me know in the future what was up.

I am hoping he won't have an opportunity to tell me "again" that I am too much because I am going to try to just leave things to him like I did over the summer. I really do want it to be what he wants and only he knows what that is. I don't want to bug him or send him running again so I am just here. Waiting.

{apparently he's having a great time at school}

So Sweet

2010-07-18T00:42:00.000-07:00

I decided to write J a letter today letting him know that I am thinking about him and that I am here if he needs me. I told him "I know I said I would wait to write to you until I got your next letter, but I LIED!" I just really wanted him to know I was thinking and worrying about him.

Anyhow, my youngest daughter Clare (7 years old at the end of the month) asked me what I was doing and when I told her I was writing a letter to J she had the most heart wrenching conversation with me that went something like this:

Clare (with a frown on her face): I am very sad that I have never seen J, but you have.

Me: yes I saw him when he was first born for only three days, but I have not seen him since then.

Clare: when will I get to see him?

Me: I am not sure yet.

Clare: well can I write him a letter to?

Me: of course.

Clare: I think he will be excited because he's never gotten a letter from me before. Do you think he will write back to me?

She was so sincere and sad about never getting to see J that it actually brought tears to my eyes and I had to quickly swipe them away so she wouldn't see that our conversation had brought me to tears! I know, I am such a baby, but my kids are constantly asking when they will get to meet J and expressing how much they wish they could know him. It makes me sad that he's not "in" our life yet. I am grateful for what I do have at this point, but I certainly look forward to the day that we can all get together so I can see all my children together.

Anyhow, Clare went on to write her letter to J and it was the sweetest thing I have EVER seen. She asked him some questions and told him what she likes to do (play) and at the end she asked him if he likes family...then she drew a picture of herself and him standing next to each other under the sunshine (she labeled it "me" and "you Jacob". At the end she said "can you write back?"

So I put her letter in with mine and we mailed it off...now I am crossing my fingers that he writes back to her or she will be crushed. She got a folder all ready to put his letters in (because I keep all his letters to me in a folder).

It really melted my heart to see how much she cares about this brother she has never met yet. Oh and at the very beginning she started her letter like this:

"Hi, I'm Clare, your sister."

{me & Clare today}

{I love LOVE this pic of J ~ so cute}

Trying to be Grateful

2010-07-14T15:21:00.000-07:00

So in one of my previous posts I mentioned how whiny I've been during this hard time of no communication from J. I read a blog where the mother clearly has a lot going for her in her life, but yet she chooses to focus on what she doesn't have! This really helped me to change my attitude. I thought…I wonder if people read my blog and think that about me?

A change of attitude is what I was asking for anyway, I didn't want to feel like I did, I wanted a change of attitude and was praying for it daily. You never know how your prayers will be answered.

So last week I got good news and bad news.

The good news is that J sent me a message in reply to the one I posted here a few weeks about not abandoning him and that I was waiting for him to communicate with me.

The bad news is that he said he is having a really hard time right now. He did not elaborate on what is going on, but regardless of what it is my heart hurts for him and whatever he is going thru. He also said he feels it's too soon for us to meet in July.

So my initial reaction was one of sadness, but after I had a chance to think about it and process the information a little I have decided to be grateful that he sent me a message. And that he felt he could be honest with me. After all, at the end of the day, I want our first meeting to be the right thing for him. I want him to be comfortable with whatever communication we have. I have waited this long and I can wait three more years if that is what he wants.

Anyways, I decided to read his letters again and post the things that meant so much to me...

i wrote you a letter from my heart

ever since i have found out that i was adopted i have wanted to make contact with you and actually meet you
i am so grateful for that and it was definitely the best gift i had ever received
I want to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for doing what you did for me.
Just so you know, I would also like you to be part of my life.
I’m excited to see what the future holds for us and I will be waiting to hear back from you.
Oh and happy mother’s Day!
Thanks for being so sincere in your letter. I can really feel that you care and I am Truely grateful for that.
I wear the necklace you gave me every day and the only time I ever take it off is to shower. Other than that, I wear it everywhere and talk about it to anyone that asks.
Your letters mean more to me than you know.

So I am really looking forward to getting J's next letter. In the short note he sent me last week he said he has been working on a letter for me and hopes to get it off in the mail soon. I don't know if he will share with me what has got him down, but I really want to know him and what is going on in his life. I hope someday he will feel comfortable enough to confide in me.

Until then I really want to do something special for him to cheer him up and let him know I am thinking about him and that he is really a special person. I have been thinking of things I could gather together and send to him in a care package that would uplift him and brighten his day and help him to get past whatever is going on in his life right now. He must be having some really confusing feelings right now having just started dealing with me and his birthfather and although I do not know what it feels like to be adopted, I want to understand what that feels like for him. I want to be there for him if he will let me.

I have been reading other adoptee blogs to try to get a better idea of what he might be going through, but the people I have been reading about are much much older than my 18 year old son. I am not sure if he even understands his feelings concerning adoption quite yet. I hope he makes it through all this ok. He is constantly on my mind and I just wish we could be in closer contact. It has to be what he wants tho so until he is ready I will be here waiting as patiently as I can.

{last week of school ~ May 2010}

Email to J sent 6/21/10

2010-07-01T22:44:00.000-07:00

Dear J~

I was watching a repeat of 16 and Pregnant on Saturday night (it really is a good show)…it was an episode of the only girl who chose to place her baby for adoption that season. When she and her boyfriend met the adoptive couple for the first time (now that adoptions are open they get to meet and know each other) the counselor was asking them each questions to try to facilitate the meeting so it wouldn’t be awkward. The counselor asked the birth mom what her goals were for the future and why she wanted to place her baby for adoption….oh man, that is where I lost it. It reminded me so much of myself it was insane! She tells them how she has had a hard life and her parents are divorced and they move around a lot and she just does not want to bring her child into a world like that and have to raise her baby in the same environment she grew up in. The bottom line she says is that she wants better for her baby than she had.

I know I have already told you “why” but I want you to know that I wanted more for you. I wanted you to have everything a couple who was established could offer you and knew I would not be able to do that. In a lot of cases I feel like I was not even able to offer that to the children I have now. I know you said you felt like you didn’t fit into your family J, but I am not 100% certain that is all because you are adopted. Even if you were the natural child of your parents you may have still come with the personality and characteristics you have now. Heavenly Father had a plan for you and he knew what kind of parents you would need. I think your parents have done a great job with you. Look at what a great man you have turned out to be.

I digress.

Watching this episode of this girl prepare to place her baby for adoption brought back a TON of memories. You have to realize that when you are pregnant and know you are not going to keep this baby, it’s different. You do things differently, at least I did. I worried about you constantly. I read pregnancy books and it said the baby will know it’s mother when it’s born by the sound of her voice because that’s all it hears for nine months. I was worried about what would happen to you when you could no longer hear my voice after those precious first three days. There were some songs that meant a lot to me during my pregnancy and I would listen to them every night…I would put the headphones around my belly so you could hear them too. Then when you were born I sent those songs with you on a cassette tape and asked your parents to play them for you so you would be comforted without me. I made a cross stitch to go on your wall so you would be looking at something from me every night and I tied a quilt for you hoping your parents would wrap you up in it with my love each and every day. I hoped you would carry it with you where ever you went like your favorite blanky always being reminded how much I loved you. I did whatever I could think of to keep me as part of your life even though we would be apart.

I am not sure if your parents kept those things or told you about them or if you ever knew about any of that, but I was thinking a lot about this on Saturday night and I wanted to tell you my memories. I thought about writing this in a letter but the pictures I wanted to send with these thoughts I do not have copies of.

My other thought was about the letter Jon wrote to you when you were a baby…since I scanned it last week tp send to you I read it again and started thinking about what Jon had to say. It always struck me as funny that he said “we fell in love with you when we saw you when you were one day old…” I realize now that I am older and have more experience that for him that is when he fell in love with you because the men do not bond with their children until they are born. For me, I was in love with you much much sooner than that. I fell in love with you the first time I felt you move inside my tummy. I fell in love with you when I saw you move on the monitor during my ultrasound. I fell in love with you when I finally found a name ~Saul Nathaniel~ to describe exactly what you were “a gift asked for/prayed for”. I fell in love with you the moment you were born and placed on my chest. By the time you were one day old I was over the moon with you!

You are very special to me. Over the last 18 years when I have had moments of reflection like this I have not been able to share it, but I am so happy to be able to share this with you today J. By the way, I LOVED seeing your name written out in full on your graduation announcement! It gave me chills to see it in print…knowing I chose your middle name and your parents kept it. Did you know that? That I chose that middle name?

I hope that with each memory I share with you as well as my thoughts and feelings about that time, you will be able to understand how much I care about you. I hope you will know how much you have always meant to me. I tried to do whatever I could think of as a 16 year old to show you that when you were born. In these pictures are the first moments of your life when I was already completely in love.

Love Nicole

I Surrender

2010-07-01T19:35:00.001-07:00

So after reading Desha's comment on my last post I decided that she was right...if I stopped communicating with J entirely he could very well look at this like I was dropping out of his life when the going got tough. I definitely do NOT want him to ever think that so I decided to send him a note on fb, which is the only place he was responding to me before. I sent this message on Tuesday.

hey j, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately (watch out that's dangerous) and reevaluating my life and what not trying to get things done and switch it up. The last few weeks have been crazy around here with my kids home for the summer and me in school and working...anyhow, I decided to take a break from technology for a while (except where necessary) and get back to what's important in my life. I was starting to feel like I was addicted to the computer and fb and my iphone.

Anyhow, I finally got over myself and realized that your not writing back isn't because you don't want to write to me, it's because you are just busy (at first I really thought you didn't want to write anymore)...but because of that I started sending more messages on fb and trying to chat you up to keep that connection we had thru the letters. At any rate I began to feel a little stalkerish so I decided I am just going to wait until we can get back to the letters, whenever that may be, it's fine. I will write to you whenever you get a chance to write back to my last letter. I am going to try not to annoy you and bug you on fb anymore. You originally said you wanted this to start out slow and thru letters so let's just do that.

I just want you to know that I don't have a manual for how to do this, how to build this relationship, and something might work and some things might not. Whatever it is I want it to be your call so I promise to follow your lead. I told you before that the last thing I want to do is overwhelm you so I am going to just chill.

With all that said I guess I just felt it necessary to communicate all this to you so you would know I am not abandoning you if you don't hear from me all the time anymore. I will ALWAYS be here for you FOREVER as long as I live so please know that. I know right now you must be getting pulled in many different directions by your parents, Jon and then me and I don't want to add more stress to your life for sure. I want to know you and be part of your life, but I realize it doesn't all have to happen right now. Please do not hesitate to share with me how you are feeling because at this stage in the game that is all I have to go on and I am not even going to try to guess anymore cuz it's killing me really...all the what if's.

Sometimes I just wish I could talk to you cuz this is all so hard to say in text. I don't want any of this to come across in the wrong way. It will be July this week and I am not sure if your family has finalized your trip plans, but I wanted you to know that if you want to meet up I can come into town a day early on Wednesday the 28th and stay at my cousins house in city. If you don't feel comfortable with this it's totally fine, but I wanted you to know what I could do...if you do decide that is what you want please just give me at least a weeks notice so I can make the arrangements. No pressure honest.

If you ever want to talk or text (might be easier and quicker than letters while you are so busy) feel free to call me any time day or night - I'm always up late. xxx.xxx.xxxx

Love you J xoxo

Today is Thursday and he has not responded to me at all. I didn't really expect him to respond, but I really hoped he would. I am sad not to be communicating with him right now, but I have to remember it's not all about me. I want him to be ok with what ever takes place and obviously he isn't right now. I just hope he will find it within himself to be able to approach me with however he is feeling, whether that be that he wants to take a break from me or that he wants to concentrate on building a relationship with his birth father or that he just wants to have fun this summer and doesn't feel like writing...

Oh yeah, I found out on Wednesday morning from Jon that he and J have been emailing back and forth since last week...about the same exact time that J quit responding to me. Jon called me Wednesday morning to share the news and asked me if I had talked to J lately because before we had been talking on a regular basis almost every day and sometimes a few times a day via fb messages and Jon was aware of this. I told him I had not heard anything from J since June 21st...he was very smug and thought this was kind of funny. I am not sure why, but he sort of chuckled. I was crushed.

I had encouraged both of them to talk to each other because I want J to know both of us, I just didn't think at the time that it would be one or the other. My friend Gina who is adopted told me that sometimes in the beginning it can be hard to juggle more than one birth parent at a time. I have no idea if this is why J is not responding to me right now...at this point I can only make assumptions, but it's quite the coincidence isn't it.

I asked Jon what they email about and if they talk about me at all. Before he had contact with J he asked me these same sort of questions and I answered fully and completely everything he wanted to know holding nothing back. His reply to me was that they just exchange small talk and have not discussed anything serious.

Is that what J wants from me? Does he not want me to "dump" all these deep emotions and feelings on him and just exchange small talk? Is that why he quit talking to me? It's really killing me, the not knowing. The not knowing is what I experienced all his life and it was the hardest part for me.

Jon said they haven't talked about me at all. He also put in his two cents that he thinks meeting J this summer is WAY too soon. I asked him why he felt this way and he said he didn't want J to get into a situation that he couldn't handle and that he thought it would be too much for him.

I just can't understand this reasoning...why would it be too much for anyone to meet another person that loves them and just wants to support them and know them? Of course the meeting is out of my control and is all up to J so I have nothing to say about the when, but I want it to be when he wants for sure. I am never going to pressure him.

It just annoys me that Jon is taking this so cool, calm and collected. He claims I shouldn't have pounced on J "the minute" he turned 18 and that I should give him room to breathe because for heavens sake its only been a few months and I am already complaining about not hearing from him for a week...Jon said I should be grateful that I was able to have communication with him right away when he turned 18 and just be happy about it.

At the end of the conversation I was VERY sad and just plain depressed. I put myself out there and did what ever I could to make sure J knew I had always loved him, thought about him and wanted him in my life...Jon did NOTHING. I could tell Jon was loving the fact that he was talking to J multiple times a week now and I was getting nothing. I never imagined this would happen. After we hung up I cried for hours. Pretty much on and off for the rest of the day. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I can't really put my finger on exactly why I am so sad about this except to say that I feel like I am losing J all over again and that has been my greatest fear all along...that I would screw this up and he wouldn't want to talk to me ever again. It just seems really odd to me that he wouldn't just send a few word reply back to my fb messages and just all of the sudden stop responding. I don't know if it's something I did, but I really hope not.

It's absolutely intense how much I love this boy already...

{he has the most interesting hairstyles}

{he is original - yes this is his car}

{he is spontaneous and goes with the flow}

{he has a great sense of humor}

{he has the most incredible blue eyes as well as strikingly handsome}

*as a side note, Jon thinks I am totally over reacting, blowing things out of proportion. Should I not be worried about a complete 180 change of behavior from the son I have been waiting 18 years to communicate with?

Things that make you go hmmmmm

2010-06-28T15:53:00.000-07:00

So as far as I know J never got Jon's letter. J asked me to just give Jon his email address because that would ensure he would get whatever was being sent. I did, and Jon sent J an email right away. J let me know he got it and we really haven't talked much since.

I got used to sending messages back and forth on fb and looking at his profile to see what he'd been up to since he still hasn't written me another letter. The only way I can think to describe how I started feeling was that I was addicted to communicating with him. Kind of like a drug. No matter how often he replied I always wanted more. I wanted to send more and more messages and I wanted to catch him on chat whenever I could and I really really wanted another letter so I kept asking him how it was going. His replies on fb started to taper off and it didn't seem like to me that he had time to chat (could've been a coincidence) when I would catch him online. Then one time when I mentioned in a fb message that it had been an entire month since his last letter he replied with this:

well you cant expect it to be instant! hah sorry. i've gotten really busy lately and havent had time. i need time to jus sit down and think and write ya kno? i cant jus pop out letters ! it needs to mean somethin.

Gotcha loud and clear son!

So I decided to back off. I stopped sending fb messages and I am not going to corner him on chat anymore because I feel like I am just too much for him right now. At first I was getting letters from him so I knew how he was feeling, but then once our communication was reduced to fb I kind of felt like I was in the dark. He never initiated any messages or chats, it was always me. So then I started to feel like I was either overwhelming him, putting my foot in my mouth or apologizing for something I said that I thought he might take the wrong way. In other words our communication went from being easy and happy to something I worried about constantly. It's so hard to communicate thru text anyway because you can't hear voice influctions or understand if they are joking or upset.

Besides that I don't have an in between mode. I either do something full out or not at all. So right now I am doing nothing at all. I still love him, I still want to get to know him and meet him, I still want to correspond in letters but I am going to let him make the next move. I feel like it needs to be on his terms or I will push him away. I sent the last letter in May so really it is his turn to write back anyway.

I have a hard time with this because he probably feels like I abandoned him once already and if I just go off the radar he might wonder if I have done it again. This is such a difficult road to travel. I really am not trying to create drama where there is none, but it's hard to know what he wants when he isn't communicating with me. Do I keep writing him letters even though he has pretty much made it clear that during the summer he won't have time to write back? Or do I just let it be his thing and wait to hear back from him? This is so hard for me because it is out of my control. I really do not enjoy that feeling.
=============================
I am going to a conference the end of July near where he lives so I chatted with him about it one day. I gave him forewarning that I wanted to chat online about something serious and he could choose the time so he wouldn't be caught off guard or not have time. We connected and I told him I knew he wanted to wait awhile before we met face to face, but I felt that I needed to let him know I would be in his state the end of July if he wanted to meet up it could be arranged. I told him I was not trying to pressure him, but thought it wouldn't be fair to be so close and not tell him so it was entirely up to him what he wanted to happen. I really had no idea which way he would lean and told him I also didn't expect an answer that day. He told me he wanted to really think about it and make sure it was the right timing for him, for us (he continually impresses me with his maturity when it comes to feelings).

Turns out he is going to be in California for his cousins wedding the EXACT same days I am going to be in his home town! Seriously? So he asked if I could stay an extra day or something...we told each other as we firmed up our individual plans that we would let each other know.

I have to keep telling myself that this is all ALOT for him to take in. I have known I wanted a relationship for 18 years, but he has had unanswered questions for just as long (since the adoption was closed) so it may take him a lot of time to get used to all this. He told me a few times that he wants me to be part of his life. That it may start out small but that he knew it would grow. That is all I want. I want this to keep progressing.

I also have to remind myself that everything is not always about me. He is an 18 year old kid living his last summer before adulthood sets in. He will never be a carefree kid again and maybe he is just trying to savor every moment without letting anything serious in...I just don't know, but it may have nothing to do with me. I try not to take it personally even tho I always do!

I keep hearing my mom's voice in the back of my mind telling me to be grateful for what I have been given and just be happy about it!!!

{summer 2010}
better shot of him wearing the necklace

*just a side note, I've noticed my posts are sounding really whiney lately. I hate it when my kids whine! I really need a new attitude and outlook on this. Please help me to be grateful and happy instead of always worrying so much.

Letter from Jon

2010-06-16T22:17:00.000-07:00

So Jon sent me a text yesterday asking me if J got his letter yet. I told him I didn't know because 1) I didn't know he sent a letter and 2) J didn't say anything to me. So he asked me if I could talk to J and find out. I sent a message to J asking if he got the letter and he said no. I texted Jon and told him and next thing I know he is calling me.

WOW, wait, back up a sec, huh? Yes, he called me ladies and gentlemen and we talked for 9 minutes which is an eternity in Jon time.

He is worried about the letter not getting there yet because he said he mailed it last Wednesday or Thursday....hang on, I am having a severe case of de ja vu! I hope this is not a recurring theme with him. I can understand why he would lie to me and say he sent a letter to me to send to J, but what reason could he possibly have for lying about sending a letter directly to J himself? I am hoping that it is just in a pile of mail somewhere on their kitchen counter and all will be well with the world once again.

Anyhow, this brought up an interesting point in our conversation. I asked J last week if he had ever read the letter Jon sent with mine when he was born. He said no that his parents never told him about Jon having written a letter. Hmmm? That is certainly strange. What reason could they have for not wanting him to have or read that letter? And what happened to the letter if they never got it? Lucky for everyone I kept a copy so I asked J if he wanted me to scan it and email it to him...{I just love his responses sometimes} he says "you can do whatever you want!" So I scanned it and emailed it to him.

So now Jon says he mailed a letter an entire week ago that should have arrived in only two days and is still not there, or at least J has not seen it.

Jon wanted me to give him a message and let him know that he wants to talk to him and know him and be part of his life. He is worried that since he hadn't written J a letter until now that J might feel like he didn't want to have anything to do with him and that is just not the case. He also said J will probably think a 7th grader wrote the letter cuz it's just a jumble of run on sentences. Well, I hardly doubt that, but he was very self conscious of the letter anyway. He didn't tell me what he wrote but he wanted me to tell him what J says about it if he ever gets it. I told him I am not going to pry and ask J about it and I told him that I honestly don't think J will talk to me about it cuz it's between them. I respect J's right to have his own individual relationship with Jon outside of ours.

He also got upset with me for telling his older sister how to get in touch with J on facebook. I told him that I noticed she and his Dad were on J's friends list now and that sent him over the edge. He said it wasn't really fair that they would get to talk to him before he did. I honestly did not even consider this when I was talking to Dawn on fb chat. I was just excited to tell her about him and told her we were friends on fb and she asked how to find him and if she should friend him. Anyhow, I had no idea this would upset him because we never talk. I certainly didn't do it on purpose. He asked that next time something like this comes up will I ask him first. I told him he should just get with the times and get on fb and then he can talk to his own son whenever he wants!

Ahhhhhh and these are the days of our lives. Next episode will be on whether the letter finally showed or not.

{No idea what he's doing in this photo, but it looks so funny}
Doesn't he just look like a whole lot a fun to hang out with?

One day...

2010-06-15T21:28:00.001-07:00

When J finally meets my other children, his siblings, they will tell him:

you are so lucky you were adopted.

*edited note: lucky does not mean "you should be grateful because you could've been aborted or thrown to the wolves"...it means simply that my kids thought I was being a mean mom and they thought he was lucky to not have to be raised by me.

Back to Waiting

2010-06-14T18:27:00.000-07:00

It's so hard for me to wait. This seems to be the theme of my life. I hate waiting. I hate waiting in line at the grocery store, I hate waiting at a red light in traffic, I hate waiting for Clare to tie her own shoes, I hate waiting for the popcorn to finish popping in the microwave and I really hate waiting for the ice to defrost off of my windows in the morning during the winter time.

I think that pretty much proves I am the least patient person on the planet.

So J is out of school for the summer now and he is too busy to write back. I am a little sad about this. I am trying to be understanding and yes, patient, but it is just not happening. I love writing with him and I love getting his letters back so I can see what the answers are to my questions and I love hearing what he is eager to know about next and I really love hearing how he feels about everything.

On one hand I feel so selfish wanting more because he is an 18 year old kid living his last summer before he moves out and goes to college. On the other hand I can't help but feeling like I just got him back and am already losing him again. I am trying not to be a freak about this, but it makes me feel like I have to hold on tighter, which is the worse thing I can do unless I want to push him away even more. I just really want this to keep moving forward. I want to know more about him with each passing day. It's frustrating to be at a complete standstill just because it's summer. I just have to keep telling myself it doesn't matter how long it takes to get the next letter because I'm not going anywhere...

This is so hard (said in my most whiney voice).

{J and his date before senior prom in May}

Deleted

2010-06-09T11:43:00.000-07:00

So I was chatting with J last week about Jon. Seems like his last letter had a lot of questions about his birth father, which I can completely understand, because Jon is the other half that makes him whole. Only having half of who you are has to be hard. I asked J if he wanted me to give Jon his address or give him Jon's info. He said he wouldn't mind if I gave Jon his address and if Jon wanted to have contact with him he could start it.

Sounds good right? Wrong!

I hate trying to get in touch with Jon because in my effort to get a hold of him he ALWAYS manages to make me feel like I am not worth his time. I don't like to feel that way and vowed after the last MAJOR letdown that I would not go there again. However, I would do anything for J so I went there again.

Jon is a good person and I know he cares about J, but it's obvious he could care less about me and the connection I am trying to help him make with J. In order to make a long drawn out story shorter...I passed on J's address and then proceeded to delete all of Jon's contact info out of my phone, off my computer and ripped out of my address book. I officially have NO reason to talk to him ever again! I have been keeping in touch with him all these years making sure I knew where he was for the day I would meet J and he would ask me about Jon and how to get in touch with him. Well, I have now officially full filled that mission and I am so done with Jon!

If we happen to see each other some years down the road at something for J, I have no problem being super nice to him because I like communicating with him in person and have no issue with that what so ever...it's the whole trying to communicate with him over the phone/get a hold of him that leaves something to be desired. I'm sorry, but nobody is that busy.

Oh yeah, and when we did finally connect on the phone I asked him for an explanation for the last letdown (we haven't talked since then - 2 months ago) and he says...this is classic...

"Can't we just start over, all I can say is I'm sorry."

Um in a word? HELL NO!

Email to Jon

2010-06-07T00:56:00.000-07:00

Hi Jon,

I have no idea why you did what you did on J’s birthday and you don’t even have to tell me because it forever ruined that day and that can’t be changed. I just want you to know that you hurt my feelings so bad that I didn’t ever want to talk to you again as long as I live…then J asked me to give you his address.

address inserted here

Anyhow, I wanted you to know that he is a great kid. He is sensitive and sweet, but he loves to have fun and is very outgoing. He is not shy AT ALL and he reminds me a lot of you. He doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him and he has no problem doing his own thing even if it’s not the popular thing to do! Each interaction I have with him I like him even more. I am hoping we will get to meet sometime this summer. We are working on it. He graduated from High School on May 27^th, my Dad’s birthday, and is now just looking for a summer job. He sent me his grad announcement, it was so cool!

He thought all his life that he was a mistake and that he was just a regret we didn’t want to be reminded of…that is almost a direct quote. He has always wondered if we thought about him or even still cared. He wants to know you, but isn’t sure how you feel so he wants to leave it in your hands if you want to write him a letter or not. His letters are beautiful. He is funny, but he is very good at expressing his feelings as well and writes in a very meaningful way. He asked me if we could hand write letters rather than email because he thinks it’s more personal and really loved having something with my handwriting…all his idea. I think he would really cherish having a hand written letter from you Jon.

Do you want to know how I answered all his questions about you? Do you want to know what I told him about you?

I have a lot of new pictures of him since getting to chat with him and stuff but it’s too many to send in one email. So I am just sending you a few…he changes his hair all the time. That is like his favorite thing to do so I am sending you some just because of the hair, dark, blonde, blonde and black, hand on top of his head with a mullet in back…wowza! Oh and the prom pics are from May 1^st from his senior ball with the "prettiest girl he has ever met". They are not dating but he likes her a lot. She is also in the car pic…that is his car by the way…the boy is crazy. I watched some videos he has online and it freaked me out a little bit that when he yells it sounds JUST LIKE YOU! Crazy.

I hope you will love and enjoy corresponding with him as much as I do. It really is the most wonderful thing ever! My broken heart is finally being put back together and there is nothing else like that in the world!!!

Take care,

Nicole

Guess What???

2010-06-06T19:02:00.000-07:00

J said I could post pictures of him! Yippppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Well what he really said was "you created me, you can do whatever you wanna".

For now I have just added some to my blog layout and I really wanted to post this one because it's the first picture I have seen of him wearing the necklace I sent him for his birthday! He's also wearing the bracelet I sent him later that is purple and says "birth mothers never forget"...
He's such a gem!

Milestones

2010-06-02T00:04:00.000-07:00

J graduated last Thursday on my Dad's birthday. Crazy huh? I got his announcement in the mail and immediately realized the significance of the date. I think that is really special and I think my dad would have gotten a kick out of that if he was still here.

Getting the announcement was very surreal. Man alive I wish I could have been there to share in that special day with J. I feel like I have missed out on all the important times in his life and now that we "know" each other I don't want to miss anymore! I have to be patient though (I am not known for this) because we are not at that stage in our relationship yet. I love writing to him and getting letters back from him. I love to read about what is going on in his life and what questions he has for me. In his last letter he asked about his birth father for the first time. I went into a lot of detail in my letter back to him and am very anxious to hear how he feels about the whole situation now that he knows how things went down before he was born and between me and his birth father after he was placed for adoption.

He got my letter the week before his graduation which I can imagine was a crazy couple of weeks and my letter was ridiculously longer than the last one with a lot of new info for him so I can totally understand the overwhelmingness of it all, but I can hardly stand waiting for his letter back. I really suck at this waiting thing and I will admit it!

I just want to talk to him on the phone and have him ask me all the questions at one time and just get everything out of the way so we can start building a relationship. I know it is probably better for him to get the answers in small doses because it's a lot to take in, but I am so impatient that I want it all to happen right now!!!

We are friends on facebook now so I am so happy to have a little insight into what is going on in his life between letters. If it wasn't for that I might just die waiting for the next letter. It helps to be able to communicate with him a little bit at a time thru status updates or messages about little things while I am waiting for his letter in the mail. This might sound kind of freaky but I love seeing his name pop up in my inbox when I check my email...fb sends an email each time someone sends you a message or leaves a comment on fb for you and I just love seeing his name appear in my inbox. Cheesy I know. Just one of those little things that brings me such joy.

I sent him a graduation package of things I picked up at fuego. It was so much fun shopping for his stuff! Gina and I had more than a few laughs running around the store picking things out for it. I sent him a "college survival kit". Only it wasn't for real, it was funny things he could use at school like a bar of soap labeled butt on one side and face on the other, wanna hook up gum, or the book of worst case scenerio survival man skills! It was fun putting it together for sure!

Clare wanted to send him something of hers so she included a few of her tic tacks in his card that the kids all signed. I thought that was really funny. I asked him on the outside of the envelope to stop and get someone to take pictures before he opened the package so we'll see if he did!

I also asked him in my last letter if I could post some current pics of him on this blog. Can't wait to see what his answer is to that...I guess you will know if you see pictures plastered all over soon!!!

Birth Mother's Day Brunch

2010-05-19T23:04:00.001-07:00

So last year Tawnia didn't have the brunch so this year was the 2nd annual brunch on Birth Mother's Day. It was such a wonderful day. It really was.

Beth couldn't go this year because she had to work so I was sad about not getting to see her there, but she will be at the retreat this year so we will catch up then. It was so nice to see the other friends I had made from two years ago and from the retreat.

These women are absolutely AMAZING! Truly. I am always so impressed by how incredibly strong birth mothers are. We have to be to survive. I think people in general probably look at us as weak "girls" who chose the easy way out because we're just selfish, but OH MY WORD, let me tell you that it would be easier to keep the child if we were thinking only of ourselves.

Anyhow, I digress.

The decorations were absolutely beautiful and serene. The food was fabulous as usual and the company was so enjoyable. This year we decided to keep it short when we went around to each share our stories because last time we all told our entire story and everyone boohooed and cried and we wanted to try to keep it lighter this time. That was fine with me because I am finally at peace with my situation and so happy for the way things are working out now in this new phase.

Also, Tara had collected pictures from everyone beforehand so she could put together a slide show of our birth children. Two years ago I would not have had a current picture to contribute, but this year I was sooooooooooooo happy to be able to send Tara a picture of my and J in the hospital as well as one of his senior pictures. I was so touched to see them on the big screen. It really touched my heart and made me feel so proud of J and all that he is.

We visited for a while after eating and stuff and then we had a little vigil. We lit candles and had a moment of silence dedicated to our children. Then Tawnia told us that anyone who wanted to say something could share whatever they wanted at that point. It was so sweet because Heather shared some very tender feelings. She was pregnant with her baby at the retreat and Beth and I talked to her a LOT about our closed adoptions and how it felt not to know anything about our children all these years and that really helped her to make some hard decisions about how she wanted things to go with her placement and contact with the adoptive parents after wards. She said she had really been struggling with that before talking to us and said that it helped her so much to talk to us about it and wanted to thank us for all that we had gone thru to pave the way for women like her. It was so so sweet and made me so happy to know that I had helped someone else thru sharing about my experience.

That really is what it's all about. Us supporting each other and trying to help other women so they can have the very best case scenerio for their situation. It confirms to me also that I really want to get more involved in volunteering with the agency and the birth moms until I have my degree completed and at that point I hope to go into this field so I can make a real difference in the lives of other birth mothers.

I left there feeling really good this year. I am so happy to be writing with J. I am so happy he wants to get to know me and that he wants to put forth the effort to write back and forth with me. He is such a breath of fresh air. I love his spunky personality and his tender heart. I can't wait to learn more about him and really get to know him. I know I will only grow to love him more and more with each exchange we share.

I know it may be a while yet before we meet face to face, but I am so excited to know that this is possible in our future and I really look forward to that day...whenever it is or however long it takes I do not care. What I care about is that I will get to see my son again with my own eyes and be able to hug him and tell him just how much I have missed him!

Our new phase...Pen Pals

2010-05-04T01:52:00.000-07:00

So I've had a little time (one week to be exact) to digest all that has gone on with J since his birthday. I feel like he is such a special young man. I feel like even though it has been extremely hard on me over the years, not to know anything about J, I am finally at peace now.

I am so grateful that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us. He is aware of me and he is aware of J. He directed me to these loving parents for J 18 years ago. Parents he knew would know what was best for their son and would listen to the promptings and guidance that they would get in how to direct him in this matter. They have been preparing him for this moment all his life without even knowing it.

You have no idea how many prayers I said wishing that I would some day find my son and be able to meet him and know him. It's a prayer I've carried around in my heart for as long as he hasn't been with me.

I could not have asked for a more perfect outcome. I had no idea when I sent his birthday package if he would even want to talk to me. I had no idea if he would respond to me. I think had his parents not told him about me back in December that things might be different today. He may not have been ready to communicate with me. I think they were inspired to tell him when they did to prepare him for receiving my gift on his birthday. By then he was used to the idea of knowing who I was and that I was out there and wanted to know him. By then he'd had enough time to work through all the initial shocking feelings about me being in contact with his parents over the last few years.

I am very impressed with him. It is so comforting to know that his parents know him so well that they know exactly what he needs when he needs it. I can only hope to aspire to be that kind of parent.

J is very kind and caring, he is compassionate and sensitive, he is original and funny, he is full of life (I can tell this just from his letters)! His dad told me once that he likes to push the envelope and now I know exactly what they mean. I think he has a very big heart and that he is probably a very good friend to have as well as older sibling.

I am so excited for this journey we are about to take. This journey in getting to know one another through letters. I am so grateful that in this day and age of instant everything that J wants to take the time to hand write letters back and forth with me. This really means so much to me. I love getting his short little emails, but the letter he sent was beautiful. Very heartfelt and honest.

The funny thing is I love to write letters! Always have. When I was away at college I would write letters to anyone and everyone I knew just because I love to write. I told him teasingly that he might want to pull up a chair for my last letter because it was really a novel (5 pages front and back-I know, I know, I am ridiculous, but I had a lot built up that I wanted to say). He thought it was funny, but said he really wanted to answer all my questions so it might take him a while longer (I asked an entire page of questions-what?! he asked me if there was anything I wanted to ask and that is just what was on the top of my head). One of the questions I asked him was how he feels about blogging and what he would think of a blog all about him? Do you think that's obvious? To my knowledge he doesn't know about this blog nor do his parents. I hope he would approve and not be upset that I have shared such intimate and personal things about him. We'll see what he comes back with.

I can't wait to start building this relationship with J. The most important thing to me is that he wants me to be part of his life and that he is happy. He said he looks for the positive in things. That statement all by itself made it all worth it. Oh and that he wants to meet me, that is priceless.

My first letter

2010-04-26T15:03:00.000-07:00

I got my first hand written THREE page letter from J today! I am so so so happy I can not even say in words how I feel. I truly am so grateful that J is so mature for his age and that he has been able to work through his feelings about adoption appropriately.

He said he wants me to be part of his life!

Is there even anything more that needs to be said? Nothing else can compare to that for me! Well except maybe meeting him and giving him a hug, but we're not there yet. Baby steps.

I am off to write a letter!

Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh...

2010-04-22T20:40:00.000-07:00

I got an email from J himself tonight...just now in fact. I am literally shaking. It was a very special email (obviously as I was waiting to hear from him personally) but he seems very mature and very well spoken for someone his age. He thanked me for the gift and told me it was the best gift he had ever received. He said that he really appreciated my handwritten letter that I put in his card. He said that last night he wrote me a letter back and wanted my permission to mail it and write back and forth and be pen pals for now. He also said that from the time he found out he was adopted that he always wanted to find me and meet me.

I am so thrilled!!!

Then enter idiot here...the email came thru on my cell phone so like an idiot I tried to respond from my phone that has a touch screen and I accidentally hit send before I was done...DUMB...then I tried to compose another email from my phone and as far as I got was sorry and accidentally hit send AGAIN! At that point I got my computer out, like I should have from the get go. I gave him my address and told him how happy I was that he liked the gift and that he wanted to write. I apologized for all the spam I had sent to him and let him know it doesn't normally take me this many emails to say what I am trying to say!

I am so excited to get J's letter. I can not wait to see what he is really feeling in his heart about all this. I can't wait to see if he has questions for me or if he doesn't really care to know any of that old stuff.

I hope the mail service is quick!

Post Package Feedback

2010-04-19T13:03:00.000-07:00

Well, I couldn't take it any longer...I sent an email asking if things went ok with the package and let aparents know I was really hoping to hear how it went because this is the first time I have written/sent something to J directly.

my email sent on thursday 4/8/10 two days after J's bday:

Hi G & B,

I was just checking in to make sure everything went ok with the package.

I hope J was ok with the things I sent. I know you all are probably busy getting ready for this weekend, but I had kind of hoped to hear what he thought of it all. Being that this is the first time I have written to him directly I am REALLY curious to know how he felt about it.

If you don't mind could you drop me a quick line?

Thanks,
Nicole
==========================
reply from adad on Monday 4/12/10:

Hi Nicole,

It turns out that J was given your gift the day following his birthday due to timing of things on his birthday and he and we wanted him to approach your gift when he could do so without rush or interruption.

J approached everything you sent in a very reflective, thoughtful and even reverent manner. He proudly wears the necklace and did so this past weekend.

We were all very impressed with the family tree book. That was very cool! The scrapbook I did not get a chance to look at but B and J liked it as well.

J is keeping the letter you sent him private and we respect that. He mentioned that he now has your email and I am sure when he gets a moment to slow down and gather his thoughts, he will write.

Thank you for the HUGE effort you have made to introduce J to you and your family.

Thx,

G

p.s. Things went pretty well at State College. J should hear by the end of the month as to whether he was selected. It was a good experience to compete nonetheless
==============================

I was very thankful to hear how J felt about the package and how cute that he loves the necklace I sent! I had no idea what he would think about that. I am keeping my fingers crossed that he will email me directly. I know this is a busy crazy time for him being a senior and getting ready to move away to college, but I hope he will find some time and send me a note.

One really neat thing I have been thinking about is how the last two years he adad has mentioned that he wonders on mother's day if I think about him...well, this year he won't have to wonder or ask that question because I have told him myself that I do always!

Patience is a Virtue

2010-04-07T00:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I was really hoping for some sort of report on J's birthday and at the very least an email from his parents letting me know his reaction to my package. Even though I told myself I wanted today to be different than all the other days and even though I wanted to do something special on my end to celebrate J, it ended up being like any other day and I moped around for most of it jumping at the sound of any email coming in...

I wanted to go out to dinner but it just didn't happen. I had tentative plans that did not pan out due to the other party involved. That made me feel very sad and just plain angry, but I will get over it.

I have had a head ache all day because I am stressed about how J will view the things I sent to him. I haven't been able to concentrate on anything or accomplish anything today.

I hope I don't have to wait too much longer for this report because I have a lot of work to do along with a lot of house to clean...

I know good things come to those who wait, but I can't help feeling sad while I wait. I know the world does not revolve around me, but if I hadn't brought him into this world 18 years ago they would not have this beautiful child.

J Family Tree

2010-04-06T01:00:00.001-07:00

Click here to view this photo book larger

Package Details

2010-04-06T00:29:00.000-07:00

First things first...I got an email from J's a mom tonight and she said the package has arrived. She said specifically:

Hi Nicole,

J's package arrived. So, you are set. We are excited for him and this milestone in his life.

This weekend J will be going down to State College to compete as a finalist for a leadership scholarship. This will have him involved with the student government and programs on campus. It will enable him to pay for a lot of his room and board. He has a academic scholarship already which will cover his tuition. We are hopeful and look forward to a favorable outcome.

Well, we imagine you are abit anxious about tomorrow and the future. We pray for the Lord's peace to be with you. We'll continue to keep you updated.

Love,

B and G

Well, so far so good. I can not wait to hear hopefully tomorrow about J's reaction to the package I sent. I told a few of you that I had scanned the scrapbook I made so I am going to post the pics here and I am going to post the family tree photo book that I made thru Shutterfly in a seperate post. Oh and you can click on the pictures below to make them bigger. Enjoy and let me know what ya think!

Birthday Package

2010-04-01T22:27:00.000-07:00

I mailed J's birthday package today. I got it all ready to go yesterday. Clare wanted to help me so I didn't object. I wrapped both books in plain brown paper (my fav) and tied brown and blue ribbon around them. Then I also had a necklace I bought for him a few years ago from fuego. I should have taken a picture of it, but I didn't! It is from a men's line of jewelery called BICO. All of their pendants have a name and a meaning. The one I picked out for J was called the apatche tear and stands for purity and healing. When I came across it I just had to buy it for him. I have 3 pieces of jewelery that I wear for him and is sentimental to me so I thought it would be fitting to send him something like that with meaning.

Anyhow, Clare was cute because she wanted to sign the card I got for him. It was hard for me to explain to my 6 year old that this card was going to be a very special card 'just from mommy' because it would be the first card he would get from me in his entire life! It was hard for her to understand so I compromised and let her sign one of the packages. Since she was signing it I had to go ask the other two if they wanted to sign it too, which they both did so glad I asked! Not sure how J will feel about getting notes from his "siblings".

Anyhow, I got it in the mail today and sent a quick email to his adoptive dad letting him know it was on it's way and should arrive on Monday. I asked if they could please let me know that it gets there because I am feeling rather anxious about it. I got a return email from a dad letting me know they will be on the look out for it and will let me know when it gets there.

J's birth father told me early in the week that he had mailed me a letter last week to include in the package for J. Not sure what happened there but as of today the letter still has not come and is only coming from a nearby city. I have no idea what happened to the "letter" but I know it doesn't take an entire week to arrive. It would have been nice for J to have a letter from both of us, but he had no idea that was in the works so he can't be disappointed like I am. I am happy he will get the stuff I am sending him. The letter from birth dad would just have been a bonus.

Now it's waiting time! Only 5 more days until J's birthday and I can NOT wait! Last year his a dad sent me an email that was so sweet on his birthday. This year I hope will be the same along with a report on how J felt about my presents. I am so nervous. He is only turning 18 so these sentimental scrapbooks might not mean anything to him...I just don't know. I really want him to like them. Also, in the letter I sent him my email address and am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hoping he will start emailing me himself after he reads it. I have had limited communication with his a parents for the last two years and it would be wonderful to get to talk to him directly.

I am nervous how this will be received and can hardly wait to hear from his a parents.

Almost 18

2010-03-20T14:55:00.001-07:00

I have been waiting for this day for 18 years, literally! I am happy and anxious and nervous and excited all at the same time. I am preparing a package to send to J so he can have something from me on his 18th birthday. It has always been my plan, even before connecting with his parents, to send him something on that day along with a letter letting him know I am here when he is ready.

I made a scrapbook of our time together in the hospital and just finished creating a photo book on shutterfly. I wanted him to know where he came from because I think that is a common question for adoptees. So the photo book I made is a family tree with pictures. I just ordered it this week and it's supposed to be here in a little over a week. I hope it comes sooner than later because I want to get J's package in the mail by the 30th of this month at the latest! His birthday is April 6th and I don't want this package to be late.

I asked the birthfather if he wanted to write a letter to send with my package and he said yes. He is supposed to get that to me shortly. I hope getting a letter from each of us will help J to feel loved by us. I hope he will soon understand just how much I have always loved him and thought about him all of his life.

Normally on J's birthday I hold a little vigil all by myself and look through all the pictures I have and write a letter to J and put it in a card that I will save until we meet. This year is a very special birthday and marks a new phase in his life, a phase where I will hopefully enter the picture at some point and get to know him. So I decided I am not going to sit home this year. I want to go to dinner to celebrate this momentous occasion. I absolutely can not wait. Only 17 days left. I think I will feel better once I get his package in the mail, but I don't want to mail it too early.

Also, I can't help but wonder what J will do once he reads my letter?

Senior Pictures

2010-01-29T09:44:00.000-08:00

After receiving the Christmas email update from J's parents I tried to copy some of the pictures they sent to see if I could print any of them out. The images were too small and I really wanted a picture of J by himself so I could frame it.

I sent an email back to his parents and asked them if there was any way they might be able to mail me one of his school photos if they had an extra one so I could frame it. They responded back right away with TWELVE high resolution images from his senior portrait session! OH MY GOODNESS.

I thought I was smitten before, holy cow, there are no words. My boy is handsome. It was so wonderful that they sent me so many different poses because now I can really put all his features together. He is so handsome. I can hardly stand it! Even my oldest daughter who is 14 was sooooo funny, she says "wow, he's really cute"! Hahahahahahah.

Anyhow, I received the email around 9pm and I was on the computer so I saw it as soon as it came through. I immediately sent the images to costco online and picked up the prints the next day at noon! They are all amazing. I definatily have a few favorites and it was a clear choice which one I would frame, but I am so thrilled to have these photos. Honestly, in the past they haven't sent me many really great recent photos of J where you could really see his face. Most of them were with the rest of his family too, which is great, but I did want one I could frame of him.

I really wish I could post them here for everyone to see what a grown up handsome boy I have, but alas that will have to wait. I haven't ever posted recent pictures of J on my blog because I don't know if his parents would like that or not. I don't want to jeopardize our relationship at this stage so I am going to wait until I know them better or am able to ask if it's ok. When that day comes I will be going to town...

HE KNOWS!!!

2010-01-23T13:57:00.000-08:00

This has got to be the most exciting email I have gotten to date from J's parents. In this email they told me that they felt inspired to tell him in early December that they knew who his birthmother was and that they had been corresponding with me! I have truly been waiting for this day for dang near 18 years now. I could hardly see through my tears. I am so happy. He is such a sweet boy and sounds so mature to me. He asked his Dad to pass on a message to me when they emailed me and what he wanted me to know was this:

he wants you to know that he understands more now, being older, of why you made the decision you did, to give him up for adoption and J wants you to know that he does not have any bad feelings about that.

WOW. Can I just say this is more than I could have hoped for. I have been bracing myself for the question "why didn't you want me?" And to find out that he is so emotionally healthy and so mature that he already understands?! Wow is all I can say. I am thrilled with this information.

The other part of their email was specifically answering the questions I had asked them in my email to them. The email I sent with our Christmas photos was not long, but I did say this:

I hope your family is doing well and in good health. I have thought a lot about J this year. Wondering how he felt about playing his last season of high school football. Wondering if he went to homecoming and if he has a girlfriend. Wondering what his plans are after graduation and if he is loving his senior year of high school. Wondering what he will do for the year until his mission and where he will get called. It is an exciting transition time in his life. A lot of changes coming up. I hope he is well and enjoying what is left of his high school experience as well as building on his testimony in preparation to share the gospel with others.

Their answer back was so funny this time...it gives me an even better idea of his personality which is just so funny to hear about:

J decided to not play football due to politics and size. His teammates continue to grow taller and bigger and he has remained about the same. Although, recently he has gotten back into lifting weights and is up to 160. He continues to go through the age typical stages of a teenager and has been expressing his independence and individuality through various hair styles. One neighbor commented that “ he changed his hair style more often than any girl she knew”. At some point, you will have to see all the various styles.

J is looking at going into Pre-med as a major in college. He would like to study to become an Orthopedic Surgeon(because they make a lot of money) and he is interested in Law. He has been accepted into ______University and a _____ College( this was a church Academy until the mid 1930) and is now a state 2 year school. The honors program at the University had him on campus and the Pre-med department actually encouraged J to go to a smaller state school for the first couple of years to get the General Ed requirements out of the way and then transfer up. They think the smaller schools provide better hands on labs. J thrives in a smaller setting where he can have interaction with the teacher rather than in an auditorium setting with 200+ students.

J met with the state College and they have offered him a full-tuition scholarship. He is leaning that direction. J did not want to apply at BYU or BYU-Idaho. He found the dress code(hair style?) to be too restrictive and perhaps too close to home in the case of BYU. He wants his independence yet at times the whole concept of having to be responsible scares him. He is savoring the numbered days of carefree childhood.

J has lots of friends that are girls. In fact, he probably hangs out with girls more than guys. He is not big on dancing but he went to homecoming, Prom (last year), Sadie Hawkins and other school events. Recently, he has been dating a couple of girls regularly. As parents it is challenging at times to encourage more casual relationships prior to his mission.

We have recently moved. J likes the new setting as it allows him more room, no change in high schools, and he has met a cute girl down the street that is in our new ward.

The part about his size cracked me up because being adopted he really has no idea what he will end up like physically. His birth father is not a big dude, 5'7 and weighs less than J does now. I am only 5'4 so height is not on his side. They sent me a handful of new family pictures and I was absolutely smitten. He is sooooooo handsome and grown up now. He is very cute and I LOVE the style of his hair right now. I guess I shouldn't get too attached to that style with all the talk of how often he changes it =). I can't express how happy I am to know about him and his personality and the big changes that are coming up in his life. He is doing SO well. He is so smart and sounds like he has such a good head on his shoulders. I am so thankful that his parents have been exactly what he needed growing up.

My heart is truly happy and I can't wait to see how the rest of this unfolds. I can't believe he finally knows who I am.