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Thursday, October 8, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
My Amazing Keepsake
So I found the most inspiring blog. I came across an ad in the back of one of my magazines for customizable jewelery so I looked her up online and found that she not only has an online store, but a fantastic blog as well.
I have had tons of fun reading her blog so I am putting the link here: http://www.lisaleonardonline.com/blog/
Anyhow, I ordered a necklace that is inscribed with the words "created, chosen, cherished" to remind me of my son because those words describe his entrance into this world to perfection. On the back I had her put his initials and his birth day. I could not be happier and LOVE wearing this necklace.
I have had tons of fun reading her blog so I am putting the link here: http://www.lisaleonardonline.com/blog/
Anyhow, I ordered a necklace that is inscribed with the words "created, chosen, cherished" to remind me of my son because those words describe his entrance into this world to perfection. On the back I had her put his initials and his birth day. I could not be happier and LOVE wearing this necklace.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Birth Mother Retreat at Zion's Camp
I went to the most amazing retreat this weekend. I left on Friday and drove out to Belfair where the church has a property called Zion's Camp. I had never been there so I had no idea what to expect and the only person I knew who would be there was my friend Beth who was pregnant at the same time as me and our counselor, Tawnia.
Can I just say...I had a BLAST! That group of women was so much fun.
We stayed in the bunkhouse which is kind of like a rustic log cabin with bunks lining the walls. There were two large picnic tables to lounge at inside and three outside along with an area that had a fire pit.
We did exercises (not aerobics, but psychology type stuff) that helped us to connect more with what is going on in each of our own individual lives and gave us insight into where our strengths might lie and what might be important for us in the upcoming year. We gabbed, we ate, we shared, we stayed up until 4am and the most important thing: we didn't judge each other. It was the most comforting environment that I have been in for a while now. It was easy to let the walls down and open up and also listen to others.
Beth braided everyone's hair that wanted it done! =)
We went out on the lake Saturday in the paddle boats and it was so warm. Beth was in black dress pants and I had on jeans. We decided, like our old youthful selves, that we were going to jump into the lake with all of our clothes on! It felt sooooo good! We really had such a fun time remeniscing and laughing and just letting loose with no responsibility what so ever other than ourselves! At some points we just could not stop laughing. It felt really good.
These next few photos were taken before we decided to go woman over board...
Beth got me going in...
My photo of her going in wasn't timed nearly as well, but what can I say, I was taking a photo FROM the water...
The only picture I am wishing we would have thought of was one of us on the dock in our soaking wet clothes after we got out of the water! My clothes were HEAVY! We did convince a bunch of the others including Tawnia to jump in the water with their clothes on too. Tawnia and Beth even jumped off the life gaurd tower and got yelled at by one of the missionaires that serves at the camp ground!!! Birth mothers can be such rebels sometimes.That night I worked on the book I am going to send J for his 18th birthday, which is only 7 months away. How did this all go so fast? It seems like I was just bawling my eyes out on his 8th birthday because he was going to be getting baptized and I wouldn't be there. Now he is almost 18! Wow.
Anyhow, I digress. It was good to get most of the book done. I had originally done up a book that is sort of a journal of all my feelings surrounding the experience, but decided against sending that first off. I decided to make a mini scrapbook with little messages through out and save the journal for later when I feel he is more mature and the time presents itself.
I am so glad that I went and I feel so much more connected to others like me now. I am thankful for the opportunity I had to share about my experience and be enriched by other people's experiences as well. I feel more relaxed than I have in a long time. It was good to get away from work and the computer and just be out in nature. I can't wait to be more involved with these great ladies! I will definitely go again next year even though I am one of the oldest old timers. They told me I am old school! hahahhahaha
The last night around the fire we took a bunch of group photos but this is the only one I have until someone else posts theirs because my camera really doesn't work that great at night...
after I got home and took my fabulous braids out...
Sunday, April 19, 2009
17th Birthday!
On April 6, 2009 J turned 17. I can't believe it has already been a year since I contacted them about the medical concern of my now 13 year old daughter. I can say that I definitely feel blessed that they were so generous to share his life with me through pictures and emails. I also feel much more closure when I think back on the experience I have had with adoption over the last 17 years. This is the first birthday I have felt happy. This is the first birthday in 17 years that I didn't feel such loss and severe sorrow for not knowing. I am happy to know about J and that he is happy and healthy. What more could a mother ask.
I planned to send a very short email on J's birthday. I wanted his parents to know I was thinking of him and had no idea really if they had told him about me or not. I never want to be over bearing or over step my bounds so I am very careful about what I write in my emails. I decided I was just going to keep it very short as to not come across in the wrong way.
I woke up to an email in my inbox! What a surprise. I can tell you that I was so delighted I could hardly contain my excitement!!! J's Dad is always very well spoken, but I was so touched to read the things that he had to say on that beautiful day.
We wanted to give you an update on J. About a month ago, he was wondering out loud about his birth mom. He wondered how he would find you. I told him that we could help. He wanted to know how. I asked him if he really wanted to know, he said no, not right now but maybe when I turn 17. Stay tuned on that…as we will share with him more if he is desirous.
We wanted to share a little about J with you on his 17th birthday, the day you ushered him into this mortal life and we are eternally grateful for your sacrifice. May the Lord’s blessings be with you and your family.
There was more in the middle but I felt that it was very personal about J and didn't want to post it here. I did get a few answers to my questions. J does not know about me yet, but it sounds like he is coming towards wanting to know all on his own. His parents are letting him express what he wants to know. I am anxious for the day he finds out about me, but I am also feeling like I can be patient now that I know about him. Before I always felt different.
This was also the first time that two things occurred.
1. They emailed me all on their own and were not responding to communication from me.
2. They shared very personal details about J that were real rather than generalizations and accomplishments.
This made me so happy to get a more full picture of J and who he is and what he must be going through as a teenager not knowing where he came from. I know that I had a hard time as a teenager finding myself, but I knew where I came from. This has got to be extremely hard and challenging. I can only hope and pray that this unfolds in the time and way that it should as to be the very best scenerio possible for J.
I love hearing about him and his personality and how he is dealing with these teenage years. It is weird to think that the next time I hear an update on him may be when he is 18 years old. I have been preparing a book for him for about a year now. Ever since I first had communication with his parents.
I felt like there were stories he may want to know that his parents would not be able to tell him. Like how I felt when I found out I was pregnant, how I felt being sent off to a foster home and felt all alone with no friends and nobody on my side, how the labor and delivery went, how I felt seeing him, how I felt after he was taken away...
I spent weeks writing it all out by hand because I felt that it was important for it to be in my handwriting. My dad passed away a few years ago and I cherish EVERYTHING that is in his handwriting. I have spent time gathering photos to put in the book. Photos from my pregnancy as well as the foot prints they made for me in the hospital and pictures of me and his birth father (whom he looks just like). These are things no one besides me can give him.
I think because I grew up in a household where things were never talked about that I have gone haywire in the other direction. I am open to a fault. I went back and read all the things I wrote last year for J's book and some of the things may be too much for him. I think of my own children reading this and think maybe I should take some things out. I plan to send the book to J on his 18th birthday so I do have another year to finish it, but I just wonder if I should edit out some of the gritty details or if I should just be open to a fault and lay it all out on the line.
Some of the things I shared in this book for J don't necessarily have to be told and they don't necessarily paint me in the greatest light, but it is my life. It is how things went after I let him go. The decisions I made were a direct result of that choice that I made and the mental help I didn't receive in dealing with that loss.
I don't want to freak him out or burden him or give him too much information before I ever even get the chance to talk to him or lay eyes on him. I am just unsure of what to do at this point. I suppose I should error on the side of caution just to be safe. I am very nervous about what the future holds and if I ever get the chance to meet him I really want him to like me.
I planned to send a very short email on J's birthday. I wanted his parents to know I was thinking of him and had no idea really if they had told him about me or not. I never want to be over bearing or over step my bounds so I am very careful about what I write in my emails. I decided I was just going to keep it very short as to not come across in the wrong way.
I woke up to an email in my inbox! What a surprise. I can tell you that I was so delighted I could hardly contain my excitement!!! J's Dad is always very well spoken, but I was so touched to read the things that he had to say on that beautiful day.
We wanted to give you an update on J. About a month ago, he was wondering out loud about his birth mom. He wondered how he would find you. I told him that we could help. He wanted to know how. I asked him if he really wanted to know, he said no, not right now but maybe when I turn 17. Stay tuned on that…as we will share with him more if he is desirous.
We wanted to share a little about J with you on his 17th birthday, the day you ushered him into this mortal life and we are eternally grateful for your sacrifice. May the Lord’s blessings be with you and your family.
There was more in the middle but I felt that it was very personal about J and didn't want to post it here. I did get a few answers to my questions. J does not know about me yet, but it sounds like he is coming towards wanting to know all on his own. His parents are letting him express what he wants to know. I am anxious for the day he finds out about me, but I am also feeling like I can be patient now that I know about him. Before I always felt different.
This was also the first time that two things occurred.
1. They emailed me all on their own and were not responding to communication from me.
2. They shared very personal details about J that were real rather than generalizations and accomplishments.
This made me so happy to get a more full picture of J and who he is and what he must be going through as a teenager not knowing where he came from. I know that I had a hard time as a teenager finding myself, but I knew where I came from. This has got to be extremely hard and challenging. I can only hope and pray that this unfolds in the time and way that it should as to be the very best scenerio possible for J.
I love hearing about him and his personality and how he is dealing with these teenage years. It is weird to think that the next time I hear an update on him may be when he is 18 years old. I have been preparing a book for him for about a year now. Ever since I first had communication with his parents.
I felt like there were stories he may want to know that his parents would not be able to tell him. Like how I felt when I found out I was pregnant, how I felt being sent off to a foster home and felt all alone with no friends and nobody on my side, how the labor and delivery went, how I felt seeing him, how I felt after he was taken away...
I spent weeks writing it all out by hand because I felt that it was important for it to be in my handwriting. My dad passed away a few years ago and I cherish EVERYTHING that is in his handwriting. I have spent time gathering photos to put in the book. Photos from my pregnancy as well as the foot prints they made for me in the hospital and pictures of me and his birth father (whom he looks just like). These are things no one besides me can give him.
I think because I grew up in a household where things were never talked about that I have gone haywire in the other direction. I am open to a fault. I went back and read all the things I wrote last year for J's book and some of the things may be too much for him. I think of my own children reading this and think maybe I should take some things out. I plan to send the book to J on his 18th birthday so I do have another year to finish it, but I just wonder if I should edit out some of the gritty details or if I should just be open to a fault and lay it all out on the line.
Some of the things I shared in this book for J don't necessarily have to be told and they don't necessarily paint me in the greatest light, but it is my life. It is how things went after I let him go. The decisions I made were a direct result of that choice that I made and the mental help I didn't receive in dealing with that loss.
I don't want to freak him out or burden him or give him too much information before I ever even get the chance to talk to him or lay eyes on him. I am just unsure of what to do at this point. I suppose I should error on the side of caution just to be safe. I am very nervous about what the future holds and if I ever get the chance to meet him I really want him to like me.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Christmas Contact
I guess for now I will have to be happy with a yearly update. I sent my family Christmas letter along with pictures of my family to J's adoptive parents. They responded with their Christmas letter and a few pictures of J playing football since he just finished up the season.
I am only going to paste in the part of their letter about J:
J is 16 and is becoming increasingly independent. He worked and saved up for a "95 Saturn car which has aided in getting him to various work and school functions. J is a junior in high school and just completed another football season. As a Safety, he led the junior class with most interceptions (7). His team fell short in the state playoffs, losing in the quarterfinals by 2 points when a touch-down was scored on the last play of the game. He earned a Varsity letter in football and received the All-Region Academic Excellence Award as part of the "Football Academic Team". J continues to do well in school, work, and enjoys serving as a youth counselor in a regional Special Needs ward for church.
I am happy to have gotten a response from their family and look forward to getting the next communication...even if it is in another year.
I am only going to paste in the part of their letter about J:
J is 16 and is becoming increasingly independent. He worked and saved up for a "95 Saturn car which has aided in getting him to various work and school functions. J is a junior in high school and just completed another football season. As a Safety, he led the junior class with most interceptions (7). His team fell short in the state playoffs, losing in the quarterfinals by 2 points when a touch-down was scored on the last play of the game. He earned a Varsity letter in football and received the All-Region Academic Excellence Award as part of the "Football Academic Team". J continues to do well in school, work, and enjoys serving as a youth counselor in a regional Special Needs ward for church.
I am happy to have gotten a response from their family and look forward to getting the next communication...even if it is in another year.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Nothing New
I know J's adoptive father said they would send communication at the appropriate times in his life. I guess what I am wondering now is what times are appropriate? What might be to them might be different from what might be to me.
My kids just started school last week and this is a big ordeal. I have one child who started junior high, one child who started kindergarten and wow, these are big changes this year. I am excited to be on to this phase in our family life and am wondering how J is doing this new school year. He is a junior this year. Only two more years of HS and he is done. Wonder what his plans are? I am guessing since he lives near Provo he will probably go to BYU for a year while preparing to go on a mission.
I wish I could be included from here on out, but I know that is not my right. I got my hopes up in the beginning and now they have definitely been dashed down. I need to be grateful however for what I HAVE been given. His family was generous in sharing highlights of his life to this point and sending me photos. I shouldn't even know anything for two more years, but I can't help but feel selfish and wonder what is happening in his life now.
Only time will tell how this will all turn out. For now I will anxiously await another communication from J's adoptive father.
My kids just started school last week and this is a big ordeal. I have one child who started junior high, one child who started kindergarten and wow, these are big changes this year. I am excited to be on to this phase in our family life and am wondering how J is doing this new school year. He is a junior this year. Only two more years of HS and he is done. Wonder what his plans are? I am guessing since he lives near Provo he will probably go to BYU for a year while preparing to go on a mission.
I wish I could be included from here on out, but I know that is not my right. I got my hopes up in the beginning and now they have definitely been dashed down. I need to be grateful however for what I HAVE been given. His family was generous in sharing highlights of his life to this point and sending me photos. I shouldn't even know anything for two more years, but I can't help but feel selfish and wonder what is happening in his life now.
Only time will tell how this will all turn out. For now I will anxiously await another communication from J's adoptive father.
Monday, June 23, 2008
I've Decided...
Since it has been quite a while since my last email from J's AP's I have decided that they are not going to respond. They did say that at appropriate times in J's life they would send me updates, but did say they wanted to keep in touch via email.
This is how I have analyzed our correspondence to date...I sent them an email about my daughter's medical condition which was completely unexpected and out of the blue for them. I did not send anything personal about myself in this email what so ever. They responded out of the kindness of their hearts with compassion. They sent me a picture of their family. Once I knew they were open to communication, I emailed them back to let them know about me and my life and sent along pictures of my family. They responded one more time (I think because they felt bad that I said I wished I could have had yearly updates and pictures) and sent me a ton of photos thru out J's life. I emailed back yet again and have since not received an email back.
I am thinking I probably will not hear from them on a regular basis like I thought originally. I didn't expect to correspond every week or anything, but I did think the communication would continue at a fairly consistent rate. Now I see that I was not right about that. They wanted me to know about J and were kind enough to send photos. Now I feel like they are done for now because he is only 16. I think once he is 18 I may get more emails. We will just have to wait and see.
I have mixed emotions about this. Of course I am so happy for what they have shared and so happy that it has helped me to heal and get closure from this traumatic situation in my life. However, the greedy side of me wants to keep communicating and learning more.
I am sure they want to leave that part to J to tell me once he is ready. I told them I had many things I wondered about and wanted to know about him. I guess that is when they decided it would just be best to let things be. I can see this will be important in getting to know J if I ever get the chance so for now I will close this chapter of my life once again and wait.
This is how I have analyzed our correspondence to date...I sent them an email about my daughter's medical condition which was completely unexpected and out of the blue for them. I did not send anything personal about myself in this email what so ever. They responded out of the kindness of their hearts with compassion. They sent me a picture of their family. Once I knew they were open to communication, I emailed them back to let them know about me and my life and sent along pictures of my family. They responded one more time (I think because they felt bad that I said I wished I could have had yearly updates and pictures) and sent me a ton of photos thru out J's life. I emailed back yet again and have since not received an email back.
I am thinking I probably will not hear from them on a regular basis like I thought originally. I didn't expect to correspond every week or anything, but I did think the communication would continue at a fairly consistent rate. Now I see that I was not right about that. They wanted me to know about J and were kind enough to send photos. Now I feel like they are done for now because he is only 16. I think once he is 18 I may get more emails. We will just have to wait and see.
I have mixed emotions about this. Of course I am so happy for what they have shared and so happy that it has helped me to heal and get closure from this traumatic situation in my life. However, the greedy side of me wants to keep communicating and learning more.
I am sure they want to leave that part to J to tell me once he is ready. I told them I had many things I wondered about and wanted to know about him. I guess that is when they decided it would just be best to let things be. I can see this will be important in getting to know J if I ever get the chance so for now I will close this chapter of my life once again and wait.
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